I don’t know about you but I’ve come across quite a lot of frustrating ‘prerecorded answering machine’ whenever I called a large corporation and don’t even get to speak to a real person throughout the whole ‘conversation’. Also, I keep getting irritating telesales calls daily.
So, I’m wondering if I could set up my very own prerecorded answering machine for all my phones to deal with unwanted calls, especially calls from people who’d prattle on and on without giving me a chance to say NO!
This is how I’d set up my own prerecorded answering machine…
1. Hello, you have reached Foong’s line. If you want to converse in English, press one, if you want to converse in Malay, press two, if you want to converse in Hokkien, press three, if you want to converse in Mandarin, press the ‘cancel call’ button now.
Whichever number you press:
Thank you for calling me but I’m sorry to inform you that this automated machine is only in English and this is not a damn language class so if you want a multi-lingual answering machine, hang up and go somewhere else.
If you are still holding onto the line, obviously I am unable to come to the phone right now.
If you want to share some juicy gossip with me, press one, if you want to bore me to death with your sob story, press two, if you want to give me money, press three, if you want to give me more work, press four, if you want to sell me something, press five. For everything else, press *
If you press one:
Please make sure you have the full details of who, where and what and that all your ‘gossip’ is authenticated before you get connected and no, I am not interested in gossip you read from forwarded emails which is as reliable as reading it from a fiction novel.
If you press two:
Look, I know it is all sad and terrible but please. Whining and griping and complaining and crying about it to me won’t help a bit. Go to a psychiatrist.
If you press three:
Much as I want free money, I am sure it comes with strings attached so I’d prefer to earn my own money, thank you very much.
If you press four:
If you can’t get me on my phone, obviously I am off duty. I am only working for the company for a measly income, I did not sell my soul to the company so my days off belong exclusively to me. Now, get off the blardy line.
If you press five:
Whatever crap you are selling, I am not interested. If I want to buy something, I know how to go and buy it without needing you to call me and tell me about it repeatedly.
If you press *:
Look, if your topic is none of the above, it most probably means you have nothing to say so don’t waste my time. However, if you simply must talk to me, please hold.
*insert appropriate classical music*
Thank you for holding on. I will come to the phone as soon as I could.
*insert more appropriate boring music*
Oh, you are still holding on? Please hold. I will be right with you.
*insert even more sleep inducing music*
Is it really that important?
*no sound except for a long creepy silence*
I can’t believe it. You are still holding on? Don’t you have a life or something?
*looooooonnnnngggggg creepy silence*
Okay, now you are creeping ME out.
*more creepy silence*
Your call has been transferred to the nearest police station as you obviously are 1. a stalker or 2. dead to be holding on for so long.
Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.
Who Spoke