In my line of work, I do come across quite a lot of annoying, irritating bitches whom I’d love to slap upside down but I couldn’t. I had to plaster a fake smile and bear it. It is often that during times like this that I start formulating witty comebacks which I could have used to shut them up.
Of course, I never actually used any of it. Heheh…I still need to work, leh. This is what a personal blog is for lah. To vent and release some steam. So, here are a list of the witty comebacks I’ve come up with when up against some biyatch who seemed to think that I should fall over my feet and kiss her feet just because she knew higher position people in my company. I wish I could just kick but I can’t.
Bitch: Oh, so you work in XYZ company? I happen to know your company managing director, you know.( said in a tone that suggests I must fall all over her feet in servitude)
Witty comeback #1: Oh, so you are his sideline bitch? Don’t worry, I’ll keep this a secret and not tell his wife about it.
Witty comeback #2: Now I fully understand the phrase ‘birds of a feather, flock together’ and he is such a bastard too.
Witty comeback #3: So what? Knowing him doesn’t make you my company’s managing director.
Witty comeback #4: And you give him blow jobs regularly too huh? tsk tsk tsk…poor you.
Witty comeback #5: Oh really? *gasps* Does that mean you don’t have to die like everyone else?
Witty comeback #6: Oh wow. What a coincidence. I happen to know him too!
Witty comeback #7: And I’m supposed to be impressed by that?
Witty comeback #8: Oooo….I AM SO impressed. Can I have your autograph?
Witty comeback #9: Oooo…shall I fall over your feet in pure adoration now?
Witty comeback #10: And I happen to know what an airhead you are but that’s not really relevant, is it?
And as for bitches who act all high and mighty as if they are so brilliant and wonderful and perfect and pass negative, nasty comments about you…just say the perfect witty comeback (with a big smile in return):
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In social and business gatherings
Dropping names bottled up campaigns
Trying to show how one connects
To the bigwigs and Tan Sri and Datuk
And captains of the industries
These people want to look good
In the eyes of the greenhorns
Telling them grand stories
Only it is just actors and actresses on stage
For a time living in the limelight
The glitter will sparkle
For awhile then it dies down
Leaving creditability gone
The listeners will not listen any more
I had observed in my work
Listening to it all
Tomorrow I was my own man
I decided what I wanted to do
Nothing to do with the dropping names
Listen and smile
Say a few nice words move on
It is no use engaging too long
It is waste of social time
Let the wind takes it away
I rather listen to my Lord
Whispering to me what I must do
Live the way I am given a task
Share it as I get along my way
Hmm, these are all well and good, however I prefer to imply instead of outright insult. That way you’re still satisfied, and they still know they’ve been insulted, but cursing you out just makes them look juvenile. Hence, I might alter some of your comebacks to be PG friendly. =)
Witty comeback #1: Oh, don’t worry honey, I promise I wont tell his wife.
Witty comeback #2: I’m sorry. I’d hate to know him more than necessary. But at least I’ve finally figured out what you two have in common.
Witty comeback #3: So does his coffee-fetcher, dear. But you know, I think he speaks to her more. Unintelligible grunts and moans don’t count.
Witty comeback #4: Oh so that’s why he always stays so late at the office! You must be good.
Witty comeback #5: Oh you must be really proud of yourself. He normally ignores people with your salary.
Witty comeback #6: Oh wow. What a coincidence. I happen to know him too! (I like this one)
Witty comeback #7: Congratulations, you’re improving. This time I almost felt offended.
Witty comeback #8: I had no idea you moved in the same circle, even if it is a condom.
Witty comeback #9: And my second cousin owns the company. Your point is?
Witty comeback #10: You know him that well, huh? Wow, his patience with airheads must be more than I give him credit for.
=) Ok, so some of those were downright insulting, but at least they all have a polite veneer. Obviously this wouldn’t work for a managing director, but I knew a guy when I was 14 who told me BonJovi was his cousin. (it was actually true) Though if he meant to impress, he was sorely disappointed. I had just moved back to the states after 6 years in Africa, so in complete and utter honest confusion I looked up at him and said “Who?”
>.> so for number 7 “offended” was supposed to be “impressed”…