How to keep your job in a time of retrenchment

After all this talk of economic slowdown and financial crisis, it has finally hit our shores. Though most Malaysians seem to go about as if all is fine, it is not really. Retrenchments are everywhere. People are losing their jobs here, there, everywhere. And the worse of it is that those who lose their jobs are those in the middle income and lower income group. Those high income earners such as the CEOs and MDs and whateverinitialedposts are often spared. Never mind that they earn tens of thousands each month. They are considered the assets while the lowly workers are all dispensable.

SO.

Do you really want to keep your job? Well,after my years of experience and extensive *ahem* knowledge from working life AND watching one after another HK TVB drama series, I know what you can do to keep your job and stay out of unemployment.

Here are the TOP TEN tips on how to keep your job and not be one of those grape-eaters (penganggur), leg shaking, no income, kicked out on their butts because they are dispensable people.

Top ten tips on how to keep your job during an economic downturn

(the TVB way)

1. Be a suck up, apple polisher, footstool, in other words, suck up to your immediate superiors and bosses to the max. They need a cup of coffee, be the first one to make it. They walk near a door, be the first one to open it. They made some business proposal, be the first one to applaud and say it is the best ever you’ve heard. It is their birthday, be the first to buy the most expensive present for them – this is called investment in your job security.They took the afternoon off to go golfing, be the first one to ‘cover up’ for them and if you are available, be the first one to offer to be their caddy.

2. Practice backstabbing to become a pro in in – there’s no other way. In order for you to keep you job, you will need to bring others down first. The more evil the way, the better. Such as leak out top secret information to a rival company and leave a trail of ‘proof’ leading to your rival. Sure to get the person outta the way fast.

3. Use your connections, family or friends or lovers, to the max – in other words, pull strings. Go work in a relative’s company or use your friends’ or even lover’s connection to get into a company. Then work the ‘relation’ to the max so that you get the best treatment only. Always remember to remind fellow colleagues that you are the CEO’s daughter’s best friend or the MD’s son’s girlfriend or the GM’s niece and put on high airs.

4. If a woman, dress sexily and seduce the top bosses – sleeping your way up has never been more in fashion than now. Like they said, if you want to go up and stay there, you must know how to keep ‘em ‘up’ too.This can work for a man too if the bosses are female or erm, gay.

5. If sleeping with the bosses is highly impossible, do the next best thing – be your bosses’ ‘pimp’ or ‘mamasan’. Introduce gorgeous sweet young things to them AND cover-up for them when their wives called to check on them.

6. Learn the art of delegation – actually working hard is a waste of time and energy. Push off all the work to your colleagues AND THEN take all the credit for the work. It’s a win-win situation FOR YOU.

7. Be a big huge kaypohchee (busybody) and sniff out all the secrets of your bosses or even the company – so, if you find any illegal dealings, all you need to do is to keep proofs of that and use it to blackmail your bosses to give you higher post, less work and higher salary.

8. Become indispensable – no, no, no…not by working hard. If you apply technique number 1, 2 and 6, you will find that you company will have less workers and it would seem that you are the only one left who is loyal to the company. To further emphasize on that, send poison pen letters to the company owners on the conduct of the MDs, CEOs, etc, on their illegal, corrupted business dealings. Once they are outta the way, you will be the next best person.

9. Be careful of your own back – since you are into backstabbing, be very careful that you do not get stabbed back in return. So, be extra wary, trust no one and get rid of your rival before they make any move.

10. Finally, if after all these and you still don’t get to keep you job, you can always turn to the black market and start selling confidential business information to rival companies. It is pretty lucrative.

Disclaimer: Foong shall not be responsible for any loss of job after readers practice any of these tips nor shall she be responsible for you being condemned to hell for such dirty tactics.

What? I didn’t say these tips on how to keep your job are legitimate, legal, nice, goody-two-shoes ways wor…After all, it is based on how the characters in TVB series (and some of my more evil colleagues) keep their jobs. Besides, this is not a nicey, goody-two-shoes, girlish, giggly blog.

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