The surefire most effective diet ever!

When you talk about diets, I can safely say I am an expert. I’ve been on a diet for the longest time. EVER. Nobody knows more about dieting than me. So, lemme give you some tips on the surefire most effective diet you will never find anywhere else.

Summore, these tips are damn easy to follow. No way that you find it hard to follow.

Guarantee to work want. If it doesn’t work, I’ll refund you 100 times the money you paid to get these tips… err … hmmm …ummm…eh, these are free wor, so 100 times refund no problem ler.

Now, get ready for **insert drumroll**:

Surefire Most Effective Diet EVER

Tip number one: You must eat chocolate. Loads of them. Don’t you know dark chocolates are good for the heart meh? It’s also a pretty good aphrodisiac wor…

Tip number two: Exercise are for health nuts and freaks. Vegetate in front of the telly more. Make the couch your best friend. Remember, too much exposure to the sun is not good, can cause skin cancer and early aging, you know.

Tip number three: Forget about counting calories. Why bother so much about how many calorie a single portion of chicken or fish or whatever is? Total waste of time. And energy. And braincells.

Tip number four: Eat more ice cream, but go for Haagen Daz or Baskin Robbins only. Wanna eat ice cream also go for the good stuff. Don’t waste stomach space on those cheap, low grade, watery, totally tasteless stuff la.

Tip number five: Load up on sugar. Heck, you want a sweet life, don’t you? Then load it all up. Forget Diet Coke. Forget sugar-free mints. Those tastes horrible anyway and artificial sweeteners are mostly chemicals which aren’t very good for you and leaves a bitter aftertaste. So, go for the real stuff. Real sugar always taste better than those fake stuff.

Tip number six: Forget those low calorie, low fat, healthy food section. Those are for losers. Seriously. I mean, who could eat those tasteless stuff anyway?

Tip number seven: Eat like there’s no tomorrow. Really. Just look at those war-torn countries and those poor, poor countries. Damn, they don’t even have enough to eat and here you are trying to starve like them? Please. Appreciate what you have and eat because you never know, maybe one day, we may face such situations then how?

Tip number eight: You like nasi kandar, go for it. You like char koay teow, go for it. Our hawker food are probably the best in the world so why the heck are you controlling yourself from going for the second or third plate? Eh, if you end up in some other country, you won’t even get a decent plate of char koay teow, okay?

Tip number nine: Don’t just drink water, drink sweet carbonated drinks, frappucinos, milk shakes, ice blended coffee, designer drinks loaded with sugar, cream, milk and more sugar. Heck, we need loads of liquid to get through the day in our hot and humid weather and a cool, frothy ice blended sure do hits the spot.

Tip number ten: Forget about eating more greens and vegetables. Hell, we are humans, not cows or rabbits. Why the hell must we be eating leaves and fruits all the time?

So, there. Easy to follow, isn’t it?

Say what? Oh, didn’t I tell you? I said this is a surefire most effective diet BUT I didn’t say it is for you to lose weight lar.

It’s a diet to put on weight within the shortest period of time only. What? You feel cheated? Ceh. That’s the problem with people nowadays. The word ‘diet’ has been misconstrued so much that people assume that the word ‘diet’ actually means to lose weight. Err…hello, the word diet also means:

diet

noun
1. a prescribed selection of foods
2. a legislative assembly in certain countries (e.g., Japan)
3. the usual food and drink consumed by an organism (person or animal)
4. the act of restricting your intake of particular foods

So, it need not necessarily be about losing weight. See? Didn’t I say I am an expert in diets? I’ve been on this diet to put on weight for ages already. And I can guarantee you it works like a charm.

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