Top ten things to do on Valentine’s Day

As romantic as this day was supposed to be, I feel like a real Scrooge on Christmas, except that I’m the Scrooge for Valentine.

Bah. Humbug.

Valentine’s Day should be renamed as Bloodsucking Day. Why? Simple logic, my friends.

You go to a restaurant, they overcharge you for some lousy set meal.

Bloodsuckers!

You go to a florist to get some flowers for your loved ones, they overcharge you for some wilting flower.

Bloodsuckers!

You go to some Valentine event, they overcharge you for some lousy music and bad atmosphere.

Bloodsuckers!

Need I say more?

Anyway, to those who don’t have anyone to celebrate Valentine’s Day with, here are some things you could do on this lovey-dovey, bloodsucking day:

1. Gloat over how much you have saved as you did not get cheated and cut-throat by all those bloodsuckers.

2. Go buy a whole set of TVB drama series to watch…after the 20th episode of straight, non-stop watching, you will be so engrossed in the movie, you will start thinking in Cantonese and not remember your own name, much less about Valentine’s day.

3. If you have a crush on someone, forget it. Don’t ruin the illusion of your crush by trying to turn it into a reality. The real person are often worse than you thought.

4. If you are thinking of dating just about anyone as a stop-gap, forget it. Why pay those bloodsuckers all these extra money for someone you don’t even like?

5. Call your mother / father / sister / brother and annoy them with your pranks. And if they get angry, just say it is your way of showing how much you love them!

6. Become a bloodsucker! Start selling flowers, balloons, etc at areas where couples like to go and remember to charge 20 times more than the usual price and the poor fellow will still have to pay just to please his girl. bwahahahahahahaha….

7. Go to a pub and start whining to anyone who’d listen about your loneliness on this day and then start doing the happy dance and cheer loudly because you are not tied down by anyone. The motive here is to look ridiculous and crazy just for the heck of it.

8. Call as many restaurants as you can and make reservations under false names and give out your friends and families’ phone numbers. Then when the reservation time is near, call again to confirm. Heck, if those bloodsuckers are earning top bucks on this day, one empty table for an hour or so (that’s approximately the longest they will wait) won’t make much difference.

9. Order pizza and have it delivered to your friends, families, anyone you’d want to annoy’s place. Have it delivered around 5 or 6, just as they are getting ready to leave for dinner.

10. Start a blog and blog about your state of loneliness and then promptly forget about the blog. Or blog hop and leave annoying comments at all those irritating lovey-dovey, sweet, sickly blogs.

And now, for those with boyfriends/girlfriends/wives/husbands/partners/ etc and are at a lost on what to plan to do on this day, here are some tips on what to do on valentine’s day the inexpensive and cheap way:

1. Go on a weekend getaway with the girl/ man of your dreams (make sure they pay for the trip) – just remember not to let your wife/husband find out about it.

2. Save money on food – pretend you’ve forgotten about it and did not make any reservations so end up go to hawker centre / fast food chain to celebrate.

3. Pluck your neighbours’ flowers (while they are not looking) and then tie a ribbon around it and present it as a ‘gift from your heart’.

4. Go to your parents’ place and eat dinner there – the food is good, it is free and you are always welcomed.

5. Order one set meal and share on the pretext of wanting to share everything with her/ him for life.

6. Make your own valentine card, just get some pink cardboard and write I Love You on it. Then tell her/ him, it is the thought that counts.

7. Buy a box of strawberries and sparkling juice. Then bring your date to some free ‘romantic’ spot like Gurney Drive and dine on strawberries and sparkling juice. Your excuse why there was no champagne: ‘I can’t drink and drive!’

8. Pretend to fall sick and I mean really really sick like fake diarrhea.You won’t be expected to go anywhere except the doctor’s when you are sick.

9. Bring your buddies along and go to a pub and order the bar snacks as the meal and spend the whole evening discussing football and enjoying some beer with your buddies.

10. Worse comes to worse, succumb to all the pressure and be prepared to have your throat cut by the bloodsuckers.

Well, enjoy your Valentine’s Day.

Me, I’m gonna think of some things I could sell and make a fast buck outta those in situation number 10. Bwahahaahahahahahahaaaa….

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