How to handle morning sickness

Easy.

USE CONTRACEPTIVES, DON’T GET PREGNANT.

Heheheheh…okay, okay, okay, let’s get serious…well, as serious as I hope to be in my current silly crazy insane mode.  Oh, waitaminute, I’ve always been a bit crazy….

Anyway, I’ve been having terrible, terrible bouts of morning sickness. Ermmm..let me rephrase that. I’ve been having horrible, terrible, disturbingly ridiculous bouts of ALL-DAY sickness all thanks to that growing thing called a fetus inside my womb. I would have called it a parasite but obviously it gets people all up in arms against such a cruel, cruel term being used for that weird-alien looking thing that would somehow grow into a baby inside me which will eventually be pushed out into the world through a very tiny small opening, which explains its bawling and whatnot the moment it comes out into a bright COLD world.

Okay, I don’t want to traumatise first time mommies with more graphic descriptions of the wonderful labour experiences…

Now, how do one handle morning sickness or in my case, ALL-DAY sickness?

I don’t know about you…here’s what I usually do…

1. Wake up with a pregnancy ‘hangover’ (well, it feels like a hangover that never ends…) complete with moving floors, a heavy head and nausea.

2. Brush teeth and then continue with five minutes of dry, empty retching that brings tears to your eyes

3. Drink a glass of water spiked with some ribena or lemon, anything but that horrid bitter plain water taste.

4. Forget about milk or any dairy products for now because my stomach has suddenly decided it can’t digest ALL dairy products.

5. Grab a few cream crackers, preferably the salty, non-oily ones, and chew on them to cut down the nausea.

6. Moan and groan through the indigestion and heartburn even those tiny pieces of cream crackers could cause.

7. Stumble to work and try to make it past the work day without puking. Mantra to chant ‘I am NOT nauseous. I am NOT nauseous.’

8. Choke down lunch and try to keep it down by thinking murderous thoughts (or happy thoughts..whichever floats your boat) and ignore the tickling sensation behind the throat and the urge to puke.

9. Run to the loo and let it all go. Throwing up never felt SO wonderful. And ewwwww…didn’t know food looks so horrid after it was digested. Heartburn and indigestion is all gone. But still have weird nausea-inducing taste in mouth.

10. Munch on more cream crackers. Suffer more heartburn and indigestion.

11. Moan about it all on Twitter / blog / Facebook/ wherever/ whoever who’d listen.

12. Leave the office at exactly 5pm and once home, vegetate in front of the telly with a sick, greenish pallor on your face.

13. Make all-day sickness-free hubby, who is the cause of all this suffering, do the cooking, the cleaning and the running around with active toddler.

14. Suffer through dinner and again, moan about the indigestion and heartburn. Suck on a lemon, it helps to clear the horrid nausea-inducing taste in mouth. Or drink lemon juice.

15. Fall onto the bed and sleep like the dead at exactly 9pm.

16. Repeat everyday until it all supposedly goes away by the second trimester. *HAH! Fat chance! I’m into second trimester and I still have all these*

On the bright side, I’ve not put on any weight since this indigestion and heartburn problem started. In fact, I’ve lost a couple kg. Bwahahahahaaahaha… Not that I set out to lose them kg. Heck, whenever I set out to lose weight, I’d ALWAYS put on like a million kgs.  So, of course, I didn’t set out to lose weight when carrying an alien-looking thing that everyone tells me is a baby.

And yes, the doctor has been after me to eat more as losing weight while pregnant is not a good idea. It can lead to miscarriages, it can lead to low birth weight, it can lead to a multitude of complications I won’t even want to mention here.

But seriously, I didn’t know where the weight went. I mean I do eat. Hmmm…maybe it’s all the moaning, groaning and complaining. Didn’t know moaning, groaning and complaining can burn up so many calories…Maybe next time I’ll start an all new weight-loss method called:

‘Moan, Groan & Complain To a Slimmer you’

It’s easy, it’s simple and no dieting required. All you need to do is wear the ears off anyone who’d listen to you moan, groan and complain about your skewed, weird bodily functions!

Anyway, to put it in a nutshell, things that could help with morning sickness are:

1. Cream crackers

2. Lemons

3. Hot drinks, preferably lemon tea (heck, if you are throwing up, why are you bothering about the caffeine in tea? It’ll probably come out anyway)

4. A bottle (or more) of heartburn medication given by your doctor.

5. On the positive side, it will all go away in a few months time or worse case scenario, in 9 months time.

Now, excuse me. I need to loudly complain about my indigestion and heartburn for today’s scheduled ‘exercise’.

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