Okay, so, this is another piece on pregnancy and if you are a male reader, you can hurriedly leave or if you are curious, you can read on. I promise, it is no mushy, lovey, sighing piece on the wonders of pregnancy. Heck, I’m the one calling the baby a parasite, remember? So, don’t expect mushy you-can-throw-up-in-grossness pieces here.
Now, that we get that outta the way. Do you know that when you sport a bloated belly with a growing parasite baby within, people tend to tell you all sorts of stupid taboos and things that you can’t do? Yep, I am darn sick of all that. I am sick of the:
- you are pregnant, don’t bend down too much
- you are pregnant, don’t stand too long
- you are pregnant, don’t go out too much
- you are pregnant, don’t blardy breath or you may burst…or something to that effect…
So, I have come up with a list of things you can do and nobody’s going to say anything about it because, well, these are safe activities for pregnant women. Really.
- It is a great time to have loads and loads of unprotected sex in various interesting positions to suit the growing belly – (as long as you don’t have complications and the doctor didn’t specifically tell you to abstain, it is safe to have sex) and by this I meant to have sex with your husband / spouse/ official partner. Not some stranger you met at a bar. Think about it. This is the only time you can have sex anytime, anywhere without worrying about finding a condom or getting knocked up. You are already knocked up. You can’t get anymore knocked up than you already are! And if you are thinking about the stupidstition that you should not have sex when pregnant because it can harm the baby or some stupid ridiculous reason, I think you are too stupid to be a parent so why the heck are you having a kid anyway?
- It is time you clean out your belly button – oh yes, this is the time your belly button pops out, well, sorta, and it’s the best time to clean it out!
- You can eat your share of junk food (but in moderation) and blame it on cravings. Just don’t go overboard or else it may lead to pregnancy diabetes or high blood pressure.
- You can go shopping for baby clothes and maternity clothes as often as you like – as long as your purse (or your hubby’s wallet) can afford it.
- You can stare daggers at the tellers in the bank for not giving you priority when they have a priority lane for the elderly, disabled and pregnant mothers – heck, it’s a privilege why not take advantage of it?
- You can stare daggers at inconsiderate people who refused to give up their seat to you at public places including in public transports – again, it’s a privilege you better make full use of for now!
- You can slack off and not do any house chores because darn it, you are carrying several kilograms of baby and water and goodness knows what else around your waist 24/7 for months on end. You deserve the rest from house chores!
- You can easily obtain MCs from the doctor when you feel even remotely unwell because well, pregnant women needs a lot of rest.
- It’s a great time to go for some pampering manicure, pedicure and facials to feel good about yourself again considering having a bloated belly and water retention causing swollen feet and hands are rather de-moralising.
- Finally, you can ‘bully’ your partner to do things for you like running an errand, ironing the clothes, washing the toilet, buying ice cream for you, massaging your aching feet, etc simply because you are the one carrying the heavy burden all these months!
So, you see? There are things that pregnant women can do.
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