So, you think you want to have children

If you are thinking of having children, are you sure you have thought it through and through? Are you very sure you want children?  Because having children means:

• You will never get a good night’s sleep for at least 25 years – why? First few years, they will wake up middle of the night due to hunger, wet diapers, nightmares, etc. Then, when they start school, you will get sleepless nights worrying about their studies, exams, behaviour, etc. When they go to secondary school, you won’t be able to sleep a wink trying to get them off the computer and to bed or worse, wondering where they went and why they are not back home yet. When they go to college, you will have sleepless nights counting your savings, worrying whether you can afford it and worrying about what they are doing at that time and whether they are sleeping or out partying or worse, getting into all sorts of trouble. You will only get some reprieve when they come out to work and have their own families. Then, when you become a grandparent, they will expect you to be the free babysitter. So…come to think about it, having children means sleepless nights forever and ever…
• You will become a nagger – that’s because children will never listen and you have to repeatedly tell them to drink water, eat their rice, go to the toilet, pick up their toys, study for the exams, stop playing games, etc.
• You will no longer have any privacy – everything you have is fair game to a curious child. They will take everything, explore all things, take it apart and break it.
• Your time will no longer be yours but theirs – yes, they will demand your every waking AND sleeping moment. This is a 24 hours, 365 days a year, every year from the day they were-born-to-the-day-you-die-job. No medical leave, no annual leave, no leave, no rest, no reprieve.
• You will be haunted by ‘why?’ for several years to every order you give, every statement you make, every explanation you give, everything you say and then, it’s ‘why should I?’ to be followed by the insolent ‘why not?’.
• Your stress level will be higher and your pressure will never be the same again.
• Your wallet /purse will always be empty because the money will go towards their diapers, insurance, medical bills, education, etc.
• There will never be peace and quiet in your home until they move out, if ever.
• If you have one child, the kid will demand your attention all the time and if you have more than one, they will be constantly fighting for your attention. In other words, forget about keeping hobbies, your only hobby will be playing with your only child or mediating between fighting children.
• There’s no refund, no money-back-guarantee, no returns.

Of course there are benefits to having children / babies, such as:

• You get to use them as an excuse if someone visits and your house is a mess (which, by the way, is usually because of them anyway)
• You get to use them as an excuse if you were late to work/ were absent from work (did ‘my son has fever so I had to take him to the clinic’ sounds familiar?)
• You learn to be patient because they test your patience so much, nothing can get you all worked up anymore except when they went and got pregnant or knocked someone up to make you a grandparent before you are ready.
• You are kept on your toes all the time so you are alert and active which is beneficial for health, sort of (although it is sorta negated by the high blood pressure they give you)
• You have someone to take care of you during your old age….as they will send you to a home the moment you become senile.
• You leave this world knowing you left some part of you behind, even though this world is really a crappy place to bring children into it.

So, you still wanna have children / babies? Oh please, go ahead. They are such bundles of joy, such wonderful gifts, such beautiful offspring, such great legacies to leave behind…blah, blah, blah…..you get the drift. Parenting is such a great, wonderful JOY, I tell you. You will simply LOVE it to bits. Really.

Oh, do remember to start popping them out before you are 60 or so. It always helps to have children when you are still comparatively young and able and not a doddering old fool with one foot in the grave. After all, you are required to change the baby’s diapers and not expecting the poor child to change your diaper!

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