If I were to kill myself today, or tomorrow, or the day after…this is probably what I’d write in my suicide notes (of course, I would write more than one note! Who only writes ONE miserable note if they plan to die? It’s preposterous!):
Note Number One:
To my dearest firstborn:
Do not blame yourself that your weird, cooky mother decides to off herself. Although I scream at you, get angry at you & punish you at times, this only means I love you and all that scolding was for your own good. Having a child with ADHD and dyslexia may be a challenge but it’s not what pushed me over the edge. There are bigger things in life than you. Trust me. You may think the whole world revolved around you but you will someday realise that it DOESN’T! Not everything that happens is because of you or what you did. You are just a child, nothing you did could have damaged anything or anyone else’s spirit to the point of them wanting to shoot themselves in their heads or jump off the nearest high building.
You are a wonderful, inquisitive and highly intelligent child. My only hope for you is that you do well in whatever line you choose in future and perhaps, do like what Steve Jobs did, put a ‘ding in the universe’. It doesn’t matter if you don’t get 10 As in whatever stupid public examination. It doesn’t matter if you finished last in your class. What matters is when you are out in the real world, you succeed in whatever line you choose. I am certain that you are able to do that if you put your mind and determination to it.
Do take good care of your little sister for me. I do so dearly love you both. Goodbye!
Your dead mother
Note number two:
To my dearest baby girl,
My baby girl, I do hope you too do not blame yourself for what your crazy mother did. You are the light of my life and your bubbly laughter never failed to bring happiness into my life. However, there are some things in life that is beyond my control so no matter how much joy I have whenever I see you, it isn’t enough. I am slowly sinking into an abyss of depression. It is not your fault at all.
I can see that you are going to be a bright and intelligent girl. Do pursue your dreams and never let it out of your sight. Do not let others confuse you or turn you away from achieving your dreams. You can be whatever you want to be as long as you pursue it relentlessly.
Do take good care of your brother as he is all you have now. He may be a big bully sometimes, but he loves you dearly too and dotes on you. I do so love you two dearly. Goodbye!
Your dead mother
Note number three:
To my hubby,
We’ve been married for so many years, sometimes I lost count of how long we’ve been together. After so many years together, I’d thought you’d know how I feel about most things but sadly that’s not the case. I am slowly sinking into depression and yet instead of helping me, you push me away. I know running this business together may not be a good idea as we argued and quarreled a lot over minor things in the business.
I do still love you but I feel as if you are so far away from me. I feel as if we had grown apart in these past months. I don’t know what to do to mend it. I tried talking but you clam up a lot. I tried asking you, again you clam up. Finally, I got so mad I stopped talking to you and again, you are not bothered. Instead, you decide to stop talking to me too. I am not blaming you for my death. Nobody is responsible except myself. I just want you to know why I feel what I felt and why I need to take such a drastic step. Here’s a list of what I am feeling right now:
- I am tired of being the SOLE parent for the kids – their wellbeing, their health, everything about them lies heavily on my shoulder with no help from anyone.
- I am tired of being in charge of almost everything in the household
- I am tired of being in charge of almost everything in the business except for the photography and some of the photo editing
- I am tired of being expected to pick up new skills which I have no interest in
- I am tired of being expected to do ALL things for the family, for the business, for you
- I am tired of being expected to do it all quietly with no complains
- I am tired of being worried about our finances day in day out and not being able to tell you for fear of you worrying too
- I am tired of being shouted at, being scolded and worst of all, being ignored and unappreciated day in day out
- I am tired of being expected to take care of the kids, to manage the business AND also do part-time work
- I am tired of going to bed at 2am every night trying to complete all my work including the part-time work
- I am tired
- I am tired
- I AM TIRED OF IT ALL
Time to plan
What are the most important ones in life?
Put it on balance sheet
See how you fare
In business management
Worrying about cash flow
It’s the normal way of running
It’s the life blood of any business
As long as you understand it
You will feel much better
Running a business isn’t a smooth sailing
You will see the waves the high and low
You expect your shipmate
To guide and see the stars
What’s the direction?
He fails to see it your way
Children will take away time
Yet it is the joy sometimes the headaches
As long as you have prepared for it
You will not feel out of breath
Running a business
It takes a lot of patience
Running a family
It takes a lot of time
Divide your time
Fix a time to relax
A time to go to bed
Everything can’t be done in a day
2/11/11 9.53pm
Thanks Caravanserai!