However, the stress, pressure and total change in careers took a toll on us. My husband, who’s a free spirit and could not be confined to a desk for long, has reached the end of his tether. I have also reached the end of my barely controlled temper. The business has taken over our lives, our time, our peace and even our sanity.

To run a business is never easy. But to run a business where I was forced to pick up skills I have no interest in, to practice things I don’t like and to continue doing it endlessly is a complete waste of my time and my life. There is a limit to everything and this is it.

So, this time, I am really quitting. For good.

The late Steve Jobs’ words could not ring even more true.

You’ve got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don’t settle.

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

Yes, we have been living some one else’s life for the past year. It took us this one year of absolute unhappiness, stress and countless quarrels to realise that we had forgotten to follow our heart and intuition.

So, we are selling our business now. We have finally gathered enough courage to quit even though it is earning us good income. What is the point of good income if it means unhappiness, extreme stress and most of all, regrets that we did not follow our hearts and dreams?

Some people would say that we are foolish to give up the opportunity to become exceedingly rich. Well, all I can say is what is the point of money if it could mean our marriage failing, our family falling apart, our health failing and our peace of mind gone?

So, no, money can’t buy everything and money is not everything. Success is relative. It is not about how much money we earn. It is not about how big a business we manage to run and profit from.

Success to me is about listening to my heart and reaching for my dreams. Success is about realising my dreams and doing what I love best. Ever since I was 10 years old, I wanted to be a writer. And true enough, I did end up as a writer for the past decade or so. Of course, after so many years in it, I became bored. I craved something different, that’s why I agreed to leave and help out in the business.

Big. Effing. Mistake.

After another huge cold war type of ‘quarrel’, we decided that it is just not worth it. Yes, busybodies will say we gave up too easily, that we are failures, that we are foolish but heck, it IS our life and how we want to live it is our business.

It is our 8th anniversary today and we want at least another 40 years (if either of us don’t drop dead in between). So, yeah, for our sanity, our marriage, our family, we are selling the business and going back to work as mere employees.

At the very least, we learnt a lesson.

That we should always do what we love and not what we thought could make us more money.

That we can never take our jobs that we love for granted.

And that not everyone are meant to be business owners.

Most important of all, you can’t change what your heart and intuition tells you what your calling in life is.

I am born a writer. I will always be a writer. I thrive being a writer. So, a writer I shall be. I will also take this lesson to buck up and finish my novel draft. Who knows? I may finally achieve my lifelong dream of becoming a bestselling author!

So, here’s to our journey into territory well-known and well-loved. It is time that we go back to what we love doing and even if it means we will be salaried employees till we retire, so be it.

After my bitching in the last post, I have finally seen the light. Well, sort of. Just so you know, I am no longer suicidal (or were actually suicidal at all). But the stress and pressure of running our own business, taking care of a young household, doing part-time work, blogging for money and basically doing everything for survival can be rather daunting. In fact, I felt like I was encased in a high tension bubble that felt like bursting any second. The pressure was so high I just had to let off steam and that leads to my previous insane post.

Now that the bubble has sorta deflated without bursting, I suddenly realised that if we had not undergone all these pressure, all these stress, all these tests, how are we to survive when times are really bad? So, it is true what they say. It is when you fail that you can really succeed. For if you don’t fail, how are you going to learn from your failure to improve and then head on to success? Without failure, we would not have known how to fight for success. Without failure, we would not have known whether we are on the right path or the wrong path. Without failure, we would not have grown and matured and become wiser. Without failure, we would not have learnt to make better decisions, to come up with creative ideas, to think out of the box.

After going through our financials (which are not looking all the great) and our options, we found a way to improve our chances. We think out of the box and come up with new ways to improve our business. So, yes, perhaps we need to fall, to fail, to face so much adversity so that we could get out of the rut we have fallen in and start climbing again. Not that we were complacent all these months, mind you. We were fighting hard to keep the business alive but we were not doing anything different.

This month marks the first anniversary of starting our own bridal photography studio business. While we are not wildly successful or earning millions, we are getting by. We are paying the bills (well, most of it anyway). We are not starving and importantly, we still have each other. Perhaps it is time we take this business to a higher level of success. We do not aim to become millionaires but at the very least, we want to be able to pay all our bills, all our debts, everything and still have some leftover for retirement. That’s all we ask for.

So, wish me luck and perhaps next, I will share with you our formula for success.

Note Number One:

To my dearest firstborn:

Do not blame yourself that your weird, cooky mother decides to off herself. Although I scream at you, get angry at you &  punish you at times, this only means I love you and all that scolding was for your own good. Having a child with ADHD and dyslexia may be a challenge but it’s not what pushed me over the edge. There are bigger things in life than you. Trust me. You may think the whole world revolved around you but you will someday realise that it DOESN’T! Not everything that happens is because of you or what you did. You are just a child, nothing you did could have damaged anything or anyone else’s spirit to the point of them wanting to shoot themselves in their heads or jump off the nearest high building.

You are a wonderful, inquisitive and highly intelligent child. My only hope for you is that you do well in whatever line you choose in future and perhaps, do like what Steve Jobs did, put a ‘ding in the universe’. It doesn’t matter if you don’t get 10 As in whatever stupid public examination. It doesn’t matter if you finished last in your class. What matters is when you are out in the real world, you succeed in whatever line you choose. I am certain that you are able to do that if you put your mind and determination to it. 

Do take good care of your little sister for me. I do so dearly love you both. Goodbye!

Your dead mother

Note number two:

To my dearest baby girl,

My baby girl, I do hope you too do not blame yourself for what your crazy mother did. You are the light of my life and your bubbly laughter never failed to bring happiness into my life. However, there are some things in life that is beyond my control so no matter how much joy I have whenever I see you, it isn’t enough. I am slowly sinking into an abyss of depression. It is not your fault at all.

I can see that you are going to be a bright and intelligent girl. Do pursue your dreams and never let it out of your sight. Do not let others confuse you or turn you away from achieving your dreams. You can be whatever you want to be as long as you pursue it relentlessly. 

Do take good care of your brother as he is all you have now. He may be a big bully sometimes, but he loves you dearly too and dotes on you. I do so love you two dearly. Goodbye!

Your dead mother

Note number three:

To my hubby, 

We’ve been married for so many years, sometimes I lost count of how long we’ve been together. After so many years together, I’d thought you’d know how I feel about most things but sadly that’s not the case. I am slowly sinking into depression and yet instead of helping me, you push me away. I know running this business together may not be a good idea as we argued and quarreled a lot over minor things in the business. 

I do still love you but I feel as if you are so far away from me. I feel as if we had grown apart in these past months. I don’t know what to do to mend it. I tried talking but you clam up a lot. I tried asking you, again you clam up. Finally, I got so mad I stopped talking to you and again, you are not bothered. Instead, you decide to stop talking to me too. I am not blaming you for my death. Nobody is responsible except myself. I just want you to know why I feel what I felt and why I need to take such a drastic step. Here’s a list of what I am feeling right now:

• I am tired of being the SOLE parent for the kids – their wellbeing, their health, everything about them lies heavily on my shoulder with no help from anyone. 
• I am tired of being in charge of almost everything in the household 
• I am tired of being in charge of almost everything in the business except for the photography and some of the photo editing
• I am tired of being expected to pick up new skills which I have no interest in
• I am tired of being expected to do ALL things for the family, for the business, for you
• I am tired of being expected to do it all quietly with no complains
• I am tired of being worried about our finances day in day out and not being able to tell you for fear of you worrying too
• I am tired of being shouted at, being scolded and worst of all, being ignored and unappreciated day in day out
• I am tired of being expected to take care of the kids, to manage the business AND also do part-time work 
• I am tired of going to bed at 2am every night trying to complete all my work including the part-time work
• I am tired
• I am tired
• I AM TIRED OF IT ALL

Almost everyone who’s anyone doesn’t mind some side income. So, if you already blog, why the heck not earn some side income from it? Well, that’s what I thought when I started blogging back in 2008. Then,I blogged a lot. As in almost everyday! My food blog, The Food Site, is updated daily while this blog also saw lots of regular updates. Over the years, of course, I do get some traffic to this blog but my food blog has the most traffic. Till today, it is still drawing loads of traffic from the search engines. That’s why, it is now a real great asset for me. I keep getting emails from advertisers interested to place ads in that blog. That’s not all, I am earning adsense income from it too! Now, if that’s not a wonderful way to get some side income, I don’t know what is!

What about this blog? Well, this is actually my ranting blog so I didn’t actually use it to earn money online…still, I do add some earn money online links here, some affiliate links here, adsense and a few ads. So far, no requests from advertisers to place ads here. This may be because this site is not focused on any topic. It has several topics and if you were to ask me to place it in a specific category, I’d be lost! It’s what I would call a mixed interest blog with a wide range of topics. Still, sometimes, I do earn a few dollars here or there from this blog.

Other than this two blogs, I have other earn money online blogs that are raking in more than this blog. Yep, those are set up purely to earn me some side income. How are those performing? Quite good but not as good as I wanted to. Not putting in enough time in those blogs (like I did for my food blog), those blogs are merely scraping by only. Of course I could have earned more from those blogs but to do this, I need time and lots of effort to do it. There are steps to it and if I had followed all those steps (as taught by these two keyword gurus, I’d probably be earning thousands each month now.

Sigh.

If only I am not so effing lazy.

And short of time.

And a master of procrastination.

Oh well.

I made resolve after resolve to really do the work needed (and then I’d be free to really rake in the money everyday!) but somehow something would turn up.

Things like my kids falling sick, me falling sick, urgent work to be completed at my studio, a sudden urge NOT to do anything…excuses and disruptions a plenty! A case in point, it took me two hours to complete this post because every 10 minutes or so, my daughter will want a glass of water, some snacks, need to go to the toilet, need to change her nappy, wants to play, wants a snuggle…*sigh* that’s the thing with toddlers, they still don’t understand the concept of ‘wait, mommy is busy’.

So, I am not gonna resolve to do anything this time. Instead, I will just take one day at a time and do what I can when I can.

GTG right now because demanding, drama queen toddler is complaining of a stomach ache. :)

Once in a while.

Or whenever I need to let off steam.

Or just to mumble, grumble, rant, pant, chant…whatever.

And what have I achieved from blogging? Oh well, at least I did earn some $$ from it. Aside from that…

I learned HTML so that I can set up my blog properly.

I learn all about monetizing one’s website to rake in the money.

I learn about Google adsense and how it’s not easy to try to earn something from that.

I learn about Internet marketing and how it doesn’t matter how many regular readers I have but what’s more important are organic traffic in order to get clicks to earn the $$ from adsense.

I also learn that getting loads of traffic is also kinda good cause it also means higher ranking and higher ranking means I get more advertisers interested to purchase ads in my sites.

And yes, making some sorta living from blogging and maintaining websites is actually possible.

So, am I going to continue doing what I m doing? ABSOLUTELY!

So, here’s to more online income coming my way!

And if you wanna try out how to earn money online EFFECTIVELY, go visit my sifu (master) over at the Keyword Academy!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

And one of it is…

Learning make-up!!!

Now, I am not the make-up type. In fact, I don’t buy cosmetics and previously, the lipstick that I bought will usually stay in my drawer for months, years…until it became some sorta antique.

So, yeah, I don’t put on make-up.

I don’t even shape my eyebrow….yes, yes, please pick up your jaws from the floor. I do actually walk around with outofshape eyebrows growing every way it likes.

You see, in my previous profession, it doesn’t matter if I look like a schoolgirl or a beauty queen, what matters most is that I must know how to write!

And now that I have drastically changed my profession to be a businesswoman/entrepreneur…it means I have to learn new skills to keep my business alive.

And yes, that’s learning makeup!!!

And for someone who has never ever plucked her eyebrows in her life before…it’s a big, HUMONGOUS challenge. In fact, it’s downright SCARY!!

In the last few months, I picked up some tips from my makeup artist ( yes, I have a makeup artist on staff but if I don’t know makeup and she decides to up and leave one day, my business will suffer) and I practiced on myself.

It would seem that to learn makeup, one must first be able to makeup one’s own face. And to makeup self, I need equipments…and so….I bought…

Professional Makeup brushes

And….

Of course I wish I could afford to buy ALL of these…

I bought Maybeline, Revlon and Elianto products….I even bought some cheapo China made fake MAC products…and though Maybeline, Revlon and Elianto aren’t all that cheap (RM50 for a bottle of foundation!!!), these are considered low range products as compared to the likes of Nars Cosmetics (not available in Malaysia), MAC or Bobbi Brown…

I have already spent close to RM500 just on makeup supplies!!!!

Why spend so much on cosmetics when I am just learning to use it? Well, for one thing, I am applying it ON MY FACE. And that’s a good enough reason already,ok? I mean, would you wanna slap some unknown cheapo stuff on your face that may give you rashes, or worse, breakouts in huge, blistering throbbing acne?

And I just spent another RM400 on Benefit cosmetics. OMG. It doesn’t look like I am gonna stop cause I will be going down to KL next week and try to attend a MAC makeup workshop and I know I already have to pay RM250 for that and who knows how much more for MAC products….

To think, I won’t even bother to buy lipgloss just half a year ago.

On the bright side, at least, all these purchases is deductible as a business expense since we do need to use a lot of makeup products for our customers…

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

I have to do the company accounts.

I have to do the administrative work.

I have to check the supplies.

I have to check the operations work flow.

I have to do customer service and sales.

I have to check our packages to ensure it’s competitive.

I have to deal with suppliers and haggle for better prices.

I have to learn bridal make-up and hairdo.

I have to promote and market our business on FB, Twitter and the internet.

I have to update our company FB, twitter and website.

I have to deal with our employees affairs/ HR.

I have to do payroll.

I have to do taxes and accounting for tax purposes.

I have to do photo editing.

I have to ensure all deadlines are met.

AND

I have to pick up my kids from daycare.

I have to take care of my kids so that they don’t run around in the shop.

AND

I now have to learn ways to teach a dyslexic since my firstborn has dyslexia.

I have to teach him how to read because of his learning disability.

ON TOP OF ALL THAT,

I have to look for part time work online to earn some side income as our business is still not stable

I have to work on my websites to continue generating passive income.

AND not forgetting..

I have to do the laundry

I have to cook and clean

And what do I get for shouldering so many tasks and responsibilities?

- Lack of seep

- Stress

- NOT A SINGLE WORD of thanks

- NO time for relaxation

- NO SALARY

- NOTHING. NADA. NYET.

- Get shouted at sometimes

- Get blamed if something goes wrong.

So.

WTF. I QUIT!!!!!!

No lies.

No tricks.

No pills.

No side effects.

No joke.

Not barely enough, though.

~SIGH~

I embarked on my earn money online journey two years back and it got postponed when I got pregnant and further delayed when new baby arrives…and until now, I still have not had the time to fully concentrate on building more links, adding more posts, doing all the online work needed to get me more money-making traffic and clicks.

Well.

DESPITE this, income from my sites (yes, I have more than ONE frigging website. If anyone tells you that they can earn money online just from one freaking website, well, not everyone can do it. Admittedly some managed to do it but most of us, do it with multiple sites!) have been steadily increasing. This is DESPITE my not having time to work on my websites to turn it all into money making sites! This is DESPITE my lackadaisical attitude towards building more valuable links to my sites, creating more posts in my sites, adding more valuable keywords to my sites…(which is ALL crucial towards earning money from blogs and websites).

So.

This just proves one thing. My sifu /master in earning money online are REALLY, REALLY good. Seriously. They are so good and their method really works. Now, if I do ALL that they taught me, I’d probably be swimming in USD now. The fact is I am like the black sheep amongst their many students (hangs head in shame), I only executed part of what they taught me and still…er…dragging the rest of what I should be doing.

You want to earn more money online? Go check out my master in earning money online now!

NOPE.

And in case you want to keep saying now that I am a businesswoman, I must be practically swimming in money, you are SO wrong. Nothing can be further than the truth. Heck, I think I earn more when I was working for a company compared to now working on our own.

Dammit.

Okay, so I don’t really mind the pay cut, the extra hours, the extra stress, the extra pressure, extra work, etc. But what I do mind is the perception that I get from people everywhere. Regardless of whether it’s some acquaintance or a friend or even a close friend, I get all this snide remarks about how rich I am now. WTF.

I am NOT rich.

I am barely able to pay all my monthly bills.

So stop with all the stupid rich remarks already. KNN.

Running a business, especially in the initial stages, means revenue is often low and that’s not all, I have to pay for the rental, utilities, staff salaries, suppliers, marketing, etc. Just the operating costs is enough to put us both into bankruptcy!!

Rich.MY. BIG. FAT. ASS.

Oh yeah, I can think of one thing I am rich with, rich with bills, bills, bills and more bills!!!!

Okay, now that rant is over, who wants to get dissed? I am in a fine foul mood to diss any idiot who dare to cross my path.

One fine day.

Just wait and see.

But if the exchange rate were to plunge even more and if it really goes down to RM2.20 for each USD, I will have to set new goals already, maybe aim for USD$2000 instead.

SIGH. Stupid stinking blardy exchange rate. Why don’t you drop when I went holidaying in US? Damn you.

Anyway, I was just about to let out some stress and tension and all the crap crowding my mind here. That’s what blogs are for, okay? For me to write and publish crap after crap after crap regardless of whether anyone ever reads it or not. Not that I really care. I used to care about the amount of traffic I get to this blog…now, I am just not bothered. No traffic, I don’t care. No comments, I don’t care.  It’s not as if I ever get any money from this blog.

Hmm…come to think of it, maybe I should just convert this blog into an earn money blog instead of keeping it personal? Yep, that would be a very, very good idea. I will create earn money posts and draw traffic to these posts and earn money from it. After all, this blog is aged and ranked and whatever on Google so its easier to rank for keywords if I do it correctly.

So, yeah, I will use this blog to earn money also. Now, excuse me while I map out a complete earn money blogging plan for this good old sounding board blog.