However, the stress, pressure and total change in careers took a toll on us. My husband, who’s a free spirit and could not be confined to a desk for long, has reached the end of his tether. I have also reached the end of my barely controlled temper. The business has taken over our lives, our time, our peace and even our sanity.

To run a business is never easy. But to run a business where I was forced to pick up skills I have no interest in, to practice things I don’t like and to continue doing it endlessly is a complete waste of my time and my life. There is a limit to everything and this is it.

So, this time, I am really quitting. For good.

The late Steve Jobs’ words could not ring even more true.

You’ve got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don’t settle.

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

Yes, we have been living some one else’s life for the past year. It took us this one year of absolute unhappiness, stress and countless quarrels to realise that we had forgotten to follow our heart and intuition.

So, we are selling our business now. We have finally gathered enough courage to quit even though it is earning us good income. What is the point of good income if it means unhappiness, extreme stress and most of all, regrets that we did not follow our hearts and dreams?

Some people would say that we are foolish to give up the opportunity to become exceedingly rich. Well, all I can say is what is the point of money if it could mean our marriage failing, our family falling apart, our health failing and our peace of mind gone?

So, no, money can’t buy everything and money is not everything. Success is relative. It is not about how much money we earn. It is not about how big a business we manage to run and profit from.

Success to me is about listening to my heart and reaching for my dreams. Success is about realising my dreams and doing what I love best. Ever since I was 10 years old, I wanted to be a writer. And true enough, I did end up as a writer for the past decade or so. Of course, after so many years in it, I became bored. I craved something different, that’s why I agreed to leave and help out in the business.

Big. Effing. Mistake.

After another huge cold war type of ‘quarrel’, we decided that it is just not worth it. Yes, busybodies will say we gave up too easily, that we are failures, that we are foolish but heck, it IS our life and how we want to live it is our business.

It is our 8th anniversary today and we want at least another 40 years (if either of us don’t drop dead in between). So, yeah, for our sanity, our marriage, our family, we are selling the business and going back to work as mere employees.

At the very least, we learnt a lesson.

That we should always do what we love and not what we thought could make us more money.

That we can never take our jobs that we love for granted.

And that not everyone are meant to be business owners.

Most important of all, you can’t change what your heart and intuition tells you what your calling in life is.

I am born a writer. I will always be a writer. I thrive being a writer. So, a writer I shall be. I will also take this lesson to buck up and finish my novel draft. Who knows? I may finally achieve my lifelong dream of becoming a bestselling author!

So, here’s to our journey into territory well-known and well-loved. It is time that we go back to what we love doing and even if it means we will be salaried employees till we retire, so be it.

Note Number One:

To my dearest firstborn:

Do not blame yourself that your weird, cooky mother decides to off herself. Although I scream at you, get angry at you &  punish you at times, this only means I love you and all that scolding was for your own good. Having a child with ADHD and dyslexia may be a challenge but it’s not what pushed me over the edge. There are bigger things in life than you. Trust me. You may think the whole world revolved around you but you will someday realise that it DOESN’T! Not everything that happens is because of you or what you did. You are just a child, nothing you did could have damaged anything or anyone else’s spirit to the point of them wanting to shoot themselves in their heads or jump off the nearest high building.

You are a wonderful, inquisitive and highly intelligent child. My only hope for you is that you do well in whatever line you choose in future and perhaps, do like what Steve Jobs did, put a ‘ding in the universe’. It doesn’t matter if you don’t get 10 As in whatever stupid public examination. It doesn’t matter if you finished last in your class. What matters is when you are out in the real world, you succeed in whatever line you choose. I am certain that you are able to do that if you put your mind and determination to it. 

Do take good care of your little sister for me. I do so dearly love you both. Goodbye!

Your dead mother

Note number two:

To my dearest baby girl,

My baby girl, I do hope you too do not blame yourself for what your crazy mother did. You are the light of my life and your bubbly laughter never failed to bring happiness into my life. However, there are some things in life that is beyond my control so no matter how much joy I have whenever I see you, it isn’t enough. I am slowly sinking into an abyss of depression. It is not your fault at all.

I can see that you are going to be a bright and intelligent girl. Do pursue your dreams and never let it out of your sight. Do not let others confuse you or turn you away from achieving your dreams. You can be whatever you want to be as long as you pursue it relentlessly. 

Do take good care of your brother as he is all you have now. He may be a big bully sometimes, but he loves you dearly too and dotes on you. I do so love you two dearly. Goodbye!

Your dead mother

Note number three:

To my hubby, 

We’ve been married for so many years, sometimes I lost count of how long we’ve been together. After so many years together, I’d thought you’d know how I feel about most things but sadly that’s not the case. I am slowly sinking into depression and yet instead of helping me, you push me away. I know running this business together may not be a good idea as we argued and quarreled a lot over minor things in the business. 

I do still love you but I feel as if you are so far away from me. I feel as if we had grown apart in these past months. I don’t know what to do to mend it. I tried talking but you clam up a lot. I tried asking you, again you clam up. Finally, I got so mad I stopped talking to you and again, you are not bothered. Instead, you decide to stop talking to me too. I am not blaming you for my death. Nobody is responsible except myself. I just want you to know why I feel what I felt and why I need to take such a drastic step. Here’s a list of what I am feeling right now:

• I am tired of being the SOLE parent for the kids – their wellbeing, their health, everything about them lies heavily on my shoulder with no help from anyone. 
• I am tired of being in charge of almost everything in the household 
• I am tired of being in charge of almost everything in the business except for the photography and some of the photo editing
• I am tired of being expected to pick up new skills which I have no interest in
• I am tired of being expected to do ALL things for the family, for the business, for you
• I am tired of being expected to do it all quietly with no complains
• I am tired of being worried about our finances day in day out and not being able to tell you for fear of you worrying too
• I am tired of being shouted at, being scolded and worst of all, being ignored and unappreciated day in day out
• I am tired of being expected to take care of the kids, to manage the business AND also do part-time work 
• I am tired of going to bed at 2am every night trying to complete all my work including the part-time work
• I am tired
• I am tired
• I AM TIRED OF IT ALL

I have to do the company accounts.

I have to do the administrative work.

I have to check the supplies.

I have to check the operations work flow.

I have to do customer service and sales.

I have to check our packages to ensure it’s competitive.

I have to deal with suppliers and haggle for better prices.

I have to learn bridal make-up and hairdo.

I have to promote and market our business on FB, Twitter and the internet.

I have to update our company FB, twitter and website.

I have to deal with our employees affairs/ HR.

I have to do payroll.

I have to do taxes and accounting for tax purposes.

I have to do photo editing.

I have to ensure all deadlines are met.

AND

I have to pick up my kids from daycare.

I have to take care of my kids so that they don’t run around in the shop.

AND

I now have to learn ways to teach a dyslexic since my firstborn has dyslexia.

I have to teach him how to read because of his learning disability.

ON TOP OF ALL THAT,

I have to look for part time work online to earn some side income as our business is still not stable

I have to work on my websites to continue generating passive income.

AND not forgetting..

I have to do the laundry

I have to cook and clean

And what do I get for shouldering so many tasks and responsibilities?

- Lack of seep

- Stress

- NOT A SINGLE WORD of thanks

- NO time for relaxation

- NO SALARY

- NOTHING. NADA. NYET.

- Get shouted at sometimes

- Get blamed if something goes wrong.

So.

WTF. I QUIT!!!!!!

Because it will never do for us to leave our fate on the hands of men!

It doesn’t matter if you are a homemaker or a full-time career woman or married to a multi-millionaire. Whatever your situation in life, single, married or dating, protecting yourself and your own future should be the uppermost concern for you. No, this is not some feminist rant against men. I am just stating a basic fact of life. You want your future assured, then make darn sure you earn your own income and has means to continue doing so even after having children, even after quitting your day job, even after becoming a full-time homemaker or housewife.

I am not being all money-faced (eventhough I admit that I AM money-faced at times…like I always say, there’s no such thing as too much money!) but I am actually being very practical.

Think about it. Picture this.

You meet the man of your dreams (or you thought he is the man of your dreams), marry him, have children and then made the ultimate sacrifice to quit your job and be a full-time homemaker. So, you stay home to cook, clean and care for the children while he brings home the bread so-to-speak. All is hunky dory and rosy and all that crap. But sadly, there are no such thing as happily ever afters in this modern age and time.

One fine day, the so-called man of your dreams decided that he’s no longer in love with you. He’s probably bored of you and wanted to spend the rest of his life with another younger woman. Your life will come crumbling down all over you. Worst of all, you will be literally kicked out without any means of supporting yourself or your children. So, end up, he will get custody of the children and you are left destitute and alone.

Or if your guy is very faithful, due to some twist of fate, he could drop dead due to some disease, heart failure, accident, etc. And again, you are left to fend for yourself and your children alone.

In both scenarios, you will end up suffering emotionally and financially. Emotionally, you will be drained from the battle of the divorce or coming to terms with the death. Financially, you will also be drained because the person who had supported you all these years are no longer there to support you.  This also could happen to those who married rich men because they could also leave you penniless by getting a new trophy wife and getting rid of you OR die with a will giving all their assets to someone else but you.

Much as we all hoped this won’t happen to us, it is always a good idea to have a back-up plan to safeguard ourselves. Think of it as insurance.  So, if you married a rich man, remember to save up as much personal savings as possible. The more the better.  If you don’t have a rich husband, then you should make darn sure you have your own stream of income.

By income, it does not mean you have to go out to work if you don’t want to. Nowadays, there are a lot of homemakers who earn comfortable incomes at home. Many women I know is now into opening blogshops – as in opening online stores to sell products from food to clothes to accessories to cloth diapers. If selling is not your thing, you could try blogging for money and earning an online income.

Whatever it is you feel you can do, then there is no harm venturing into it. If you think you don’t have the time now, then try to make some time for it. Think of it as investment. If your husband don’t agree to it, tell him it’s a hobby. And if you tell him it earns you a few hundred ringgit each month, he won’t stop you. After all, you are earning extra $$ for the household!

If you think that you do not need to do this as you have a happy marriage, your husband is healthy, etc, etc, I think it is time you get rid of your rose-tinted glasses. I am not saying that your marriage will fail or that your husband will drop dead any minute now. I am just saying, we as mothers and most importantly, as women, must have means and ways to protect ourselves, support ourselves and also to support our children in any eventuality. If you have a happily ever after ending, then good for you. But if not, at least, you have a back-up plan!

So, to all the women out there. Empower yourself and be independent! Show the world that we are indeed strong as we are capable of anything and can do much, much more than men. Happy Women’s Day (okay, so I am a little late since the actual day is March 8 but heck, better late than never!).

When I first started this blog, it was to vent and rant against people I am darn pis$ed with. And that includes those around me, people I work with, etc. Thus, it was important for me to stay anonymous. But then, somehow, people found out that this is my blog. Especially those I ranted against. Sigh. Is there no privacy anymore nowadays?

So. What’s the point of trying to stay anonymous when there are people who already knows this is my blog? Oh well. There are still lots of others who don’t know so I think I’d rather stay anonymous for now till I am ready to reveal my identity and link my Facebook account here.

Anyway, I also did not intend to use this blog to post up mushy, lovey dovey stuffs or even motherly, goo-goo gaga over my babies type of posts. But somehow, I always end up coming up with posts that veer towards parenting. I guess blogging about my life is what I should be doing nowadays.  I mean, I have vowed not to touch about the politicians anymore. They are just wasting my time and space here. Seriously. Truly. Really sick and tired of frogs!

So, I might as well use this blog to record what’s been going on in my life. Yep. It’s going to get way more boring than now. Quick, go away fast before you get trapped in the utter boringness of this boring blog that’s sliding from sarky to not-so-sarky to *gasp* nice.

Okay, okay, I can never be nice. Not when I am such a real biyatch in real life anyway. What I’ve been trying to say in between all this nonsensical babble is that I will from now onwards blog whatever topic that comes to mind. And the first of the few truly ‘frank’ posts will probably be about my precious baby girl’s birth story. Or maybe I will dig through my memory and blog about the birth of my son. My firstborn. My big boy. Whatever. Till then. Don’t wait!

I am just human after all. I mean, how the heck will I know what’s going on if you don’t tell me? Dammit. Do I look like I can read your mind? What am I psychic? Sometimes I really wonder what’s eating you. I mean, you act all moody and ‘long face’ and stormy and all that but when I politely ask what’s wrong, you pretend that everything’s rosy and hunky dory.

Look here. I’ve known you more than ten years already, almost 12 years to be exact, and though there are still things about you I don’t quite get, I know when something’s bothering you. How the heck do you think I feel if you’re in such a blardy PMS-ing mood and won’t tell me what’s going on? How do I know if it’s:

1. your heart problem bothering you again

2. your parents bothering you again

3. your work bothering you again

4. I did something to bother you again

5. your complicated thought processes bothering you again

6. worries about our finances bothering you again (although we are not exactly on the verge of bankruptcy or anything like that)

For numbers 4 & 6, I may be able to help find a solution, like try not to bother you again and bring out the calculator to show you that we are far from bankrupt. For the others, it is entirely up to you and how you face it. Doesn’t it occur to you that sharing some of that burden with me may help a bit? Why keep it all bottled up? It makes you moody and in a terrible mood to the point of you being stern even with the baby! And the pre-schooler get shouted at simply because you are in a bad mood. So, if you think you are being all macho and everything in trying to handle your problems yourself, then you are wrong. You are in the end causing the rest of us to suffer. The children gets shouted at, I get ‘cold-shouldered’ at, we are all unhappy and upset. All because you are in a bad mood over some unknown reasons.

Sigh.

If it’s me, then tell me. If it’s something else, tell me too. At least I won’t feel like I have to walk around eggshells.

To all the men out there. Acting all macho by keeping your problems to yourself is NOT macho. It only upsets everyone around you. Remember, nobody can read your mind and know what problems you have if you don’t say it out loud.

Oh, er, sorry folks. I just need to rant a bit.

I made my own peanut cookies for Chinese New Year. Nothing beats my own home made peanut cookies. So crumbly. So full of peanut taste and it really melt in you mouth. If you want to try making them, here’s the traditional peanut cookie recipe. No, it’s not too late to make peanut cookies. Whoever said you can only eat this during CNY? It’s great for any time, any where, any mood, as long as you feel like baking them.

Ok. Enough of drooling over em cookies. Where was I before I started about the cookies? Oh yeah. The things that we should be teaching our children.

1. Don’t look up to a politician and don’t expect them to do something for you – they are usually full of crap, full of hot air, full of lies and all they really wanna do is to gain power, become rich and take advantage of the people. And no, it does not matter what party they are from. Most politicians (so, maybe there are like one or two out of a million who are really there to help the people but they are so rare, it’s easier to spot a talking, dancing spotted tiger in a pink tutu)
2. Don’t believe everything you read/ watch in the news – and I am not only referring to the local media but all media, local and international. That’s because the news are written and gathered by humans and no matter how hard the reporter / journalist try to be neutral, they are somewhat prejudiced. So, always watch / read the news with scepticism.
3. Humans are wily, conniving and capable of anything – it is better to be careful when faced with a stranger or a complete stranger hiding beneath your acquaintances / friends / relatives than to trust them completely and become a victim. That’s how some serial killers/ rapists lure their victims.
4. No religion is wrong or evil – it is the humans who are evil, not the religion so if there are clashes over religion, don’t blame the religion, blame the humans behind it. And no, Satanic occults is not a religion.
5. Twilight is fiction – I don’t care how blardy great looking the vampire guy (Pattinson or something) is but it is all NOT REAL okay? (besides, I still think ‘em Winchester brothers are way more good looking)
6. It’s a dog-eat-dog world – if you don’t reach out to grab what you want to achieve, you will never succeed. Don’t expect everything to fall on your lap easily. Whatever we want in life must be earned, regardless of whether it is money, success, career, love or that cute girl next door.
7. Having s ex is fun but it is better to use protection at all times – lets face it. Premarital s ex is pretty much the norm nowadays, even amongst teens. We can’t stop it from happening but we can stop STDs like HIV being spread and unwanted pregnancies. So, be open about s ex and teach them about the responsibility that comes with being s exually active.
8. Being a total jerk is totally uncool – nobody likes a jerk. A jerk is one who back-stab others for their own gain, used others to reach their own end, make scape goats out of others, bully the weak, you get my drift.
9. Everyone, regardless boy or girl, should know how to clean and cook – if there are female astronauts now, it is time that men learn to do their own laundry and cook their own meals. Ever heard of Jamie Oliver/ Anthony Bourdain? Yep, they are men and they cook and they are not sissies.
10. Discriminating against those who are different is WRONG – never, ever look down on people who are different. God created everyone different so you are no more superior than the next person.

Finally, believe in God. Faith does great things and as long as you don’t go around fighting with everyone about how to pray to God, or who is God or what is God’s name, whatever…faith makes everyone a better person.

I know a lot of couples preferred to only have one child due to various reasons from financial constraints to lack of time or even lack of love (?). Whatever it is, I feel that we should all have more than one child. It is either have two children or not at all. Why have one and stop there? My reasons for having more than one child are:

1. You already lost your figure and have parts of your body riddled with stretch marks when you have the first kid, having another one won’t make much difference.

2. Both of you already lost your privacy and ‘honeymoon period’ of only two of you at home where you are able to get on hot and heavy wherever and whenever now that you have a small impressionable child running around, so having another one won’t make you lose more privacy.

3. You have already adapted to sleeping less than 6 hours a day with the first child and if you don’t have another one, you may shock your system if you suddenly sleep more.

4. All that is yours and all your money already belonged to your child, so why not split it up to benefit two or three instead of only one?

5. You already learned to nag when trying to get the firstborn to do something, so no point wasting the newly-acquired skill when you can use it on the second or third or fourth child.

6. You have also acquired new negotiation skills to negotiate your way outta buying the kid new toys each time you go shopping so you should keep this useful skills sharp by having more children to negotiate with.

7. Your patience level has increased that you are not bothered by broken things and spilt food so you should keep the level high by having more little ‘terrors’ to test your patience. Who knows, you may become a saint!

8. You kid will never ever bother you to ‘play with me please’ since they will be busy fighting and shouting at each other.

9. You won’t end up with a selfish prat who only thinks about himself, doesn’t share and thinks the world revolves around him because he will have to fight for stuffs with his siblings, fight for attention from his parents and learn to share and be considerate to others in the same home. (Not that I am saying all single child are spoilt. Only some are if the parents spoil them.)

10. Your kid won’t end up talking to himself and your house will never be a silent, lonely place ever again as it will be filled with screams, shouts, laughter and love.

Finally, if you are still undecided, you can always choose not to have children if you truly, truly are scared of these reasons for not having children.

Love is:

1. Silly – because you always end up doing silly things in the name of love

2. Stupid – because you act like a stupid buffoon when supposedly in love

3. Blind – because you tend to fall in love with idiots and not know it

4. Ridiculous – because you will do anything ridiculous in the name of love

5. Expensive – because you will hand over your fortune to the person you love

6. Lust – because all you seem to want to do is to hump like bunnies

7. Jealousy – because you want to tear out the eyes and limbs of whoever dared to even sweep a glance at your beloved

8. Revolting – because you are so mushy, lovey-dovey that it is absolutely revolting to those around you

9. Stalking material – because you end up stalking the love of your life, if it is unrequited

10. Criminal – because you’d end up kidnapping the person you ‘love’ to make him/her love you…

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA…

Hey, this is a sarcasm blog, not some mushy, lovey-dovey, sweet blog singing praises about love. If you are looking for the finer, more meaningful..err..meaning of love, go elsewhere.

I mean why so uptight? Why is sex so dirty? Think about it. Without sex, you or I won’t exist at all. After all, sex is a very natural thing. It’s how humans procreate. So, why the taboo? Why is it dirty? I mean, if you spot a pregnant woman, you know for sure that she has definitely had sex to get to that, right?

And for married couples (or unmarried ones for that matter), sex is one of the main components of the relationship. I mean even for courting couples, they are working up to having sex (if they have not already). There’s the kissing and the hand-holding and the cuddling and the hugging. These are all foreplay to ‘going all the way’. Of course, some would abstain till they are married while others will throw caution to the winds and hump like bunnies in summer.

I am no moral police so I’m not going to write about the so-called ‘evils’ of pre-marital sex. Besides, I believe everyone has a choice to make and if they want to go at it like bunnies, it is their business. Still, I think all this taboo on sex and ‘sex is a very dirty thing’ thoughts seemed to be working backwards on the young nowadays.

Teenage girls are getting knocked up and dumping their babies in rubbish dumps and drains.

Underage girls are indulging in group sex and sleeping around like it’s the norm.

STDs and HIV are being spread rampantly as the young continue to indulge in open sexual relationships without using any protection at all.

So, is all this ‘we don’t talk about sex openly’ culture even good at all? I don’t think so. Why hide something that we know every single human being wants to indulge in? If we talk about sex and teach our young about the responsibility that they have to undertake once they start having sexual intercourse, perhaps it could have prevented some unwanted pregnancies and spread of diseases.

Isn’t it worse that these young people resort to watching porno films on the net just to learn about sex?

Sex education is schools may seem to be the answer but I think it is not enough when parents and other adults seem to continuously think that sex is dirty and taboo.

If it’s so dirty, how could the act of having sexual intercourse result in a miracle where two cells combined and create another human being?

Think about it.