1.Stomp, step and walk all over the roadside offerings for the hungry ghost

All the ashes of the burnt hell money and the food that many Taoists place on the roadside are offerings for the wandering spirits. And this means these ashes and food are usually surrounded by wandering, hungry ghosts. Now, you want to be haunted, just stomp on the ashes and kick the offerings.

Don’t believe? I know of a fella who accidentally stepped on some of the ashes. He didn’t know that he offended several spirits. The spirits followed him home and even possessed him. He began acting real weird and that’s not all, he could even turn his head all around without moving his body. This freaked his wife out and she immediately tried to get help.

She found a ‘ghostbuster’ who managed to catch all the spirits who possessed him. The ghostbuster told her that her husband was lucky that they had immediately sought help otherwise the spirits may have caused him to be killed!

2. Go stay in a vacant building that is known as haunted and pee on the walls

Some vacant buildings have a reputation of being haunted and this is often true. Some are occupied by hundreds of spirits and most of these spirits are dangerous.

There is one well known haunted building in Relau here. One day this guy happen to go through the building as a short cut. He also needed to pee really bad. So, without thinking, he went to the corner of the vacant building and relieved himself. Of course, this angered the spirits there. The next day, when he rode his bike pass that area, he suddenly lost control and crashed. Fortunately, he was not seriously injured but that’s not the last of it. When he got home, he suddenly fell very ill with high fever and chills. It lasted for a week and no medication seems to work. His mother, as a last resort, went to seek help at a temple and ask the deities what’s wrong with her son. She was told that he had offended several malicious spirits and they now wanted him dead. The same ghostbuster as above went to ‘talk’ to the spirits. After the negotiation (more like threats by the ghostbuster), the spirits agreed to let him go.

3. Wear red and walk around where offerings are being made after 7pm

While the spirits are not afraid of sunlight, they are more active and powerful after dusk. They also hate red so they are prone to attack people wearing red clothes.

My friend wore a red blouse and actually went to a haunted house to look around in the daytime. Needless to say, she was attacked by the spirits in the house as she could actually feel someone push her from her back until she fell. Luckily she was wearing a talisman so they could not possess her. She left in a hurry after muttering some prayers and that’s the last time she ever wore a red shirt especially during the hungry ghost month.

4.Tell ghost stories, say bad things about them, swear at them after dark during this month

Ghosts and wandering spirits are like us,they feel offended easily and they usually like to gather around when people start talking about them. So if you are telling ghost stories and then you are swearing at them, they will be offended and will want to attack you.

We were on holiday at Cameron Highlands a few years back when my son was still very small. My clothes were crumpled so without an iron, I did the next best thing. I turned on hot water and hang the clothes in the bathroom to steam it with the door closed. So when my godbrother wanted to use the bathroom, he saw the door closed and heard the water running so he thought someone was in there. But then he saw all of us sitting outside so he asked us who’s in the bathroom. My husband teased him and tried to frighten him by saying there’s a few of his ‘unseen friends’ taking a shower in there.

That night, my son couldn’t sleep and was very restless. My husband also could not sleep and could feel as if someone was standing next to him staring at him. In the middle of the night, I startled awake and actually saw a shadow standing over our bed! I begin muttering prayers and soon after, the shadow was gone.

5. Place wind chimes at your home, as many as possible and also ring the bell and all sorts of bell-like sound as often as you like especially at night

Somehow, ghosts seem to like the sound of bells, wind chimes and anything with this jingly sounds. So the more bell you ring( the actual bell, not the electronic doorbell!) the more will come.

My friend loves wind chimes. She has so many wind chimes in her home, you can hear it from afar. It was after she started collecting wind chimes a few years back that she started experiencing strange things. She’d hear someone running back and forth upstairs even though she’s alone at home. She’d hear banging sounds, like someone rapping on the walls, in the middle of the night. She also can’t sleep and was restless. it went on for months until she decided to seek help from a medium and was told that her house is surrounded by spirits because of her wind chimes. She immediately got rid of her collection and the disturbances stopped.

6. Let ferns grow on your walls

Some spirits like to hide inside plants, especially in light wavy plants like ferns.

Outside my children’s bedroom, there’s a tiny little crack on the corner of the wall and somehow it started growing ferns. The ferns was so long that it was brushing against the window. I never bothered about it although the waving ferns did give me a scare a few times at night.

Well,my baby girl was having restless nights and crying a lot. But I though she was just being a fussy baby. Until one day, my ‘sixth sense’ friend visited me. She could see supernatural things and when she went into the room, she jumped in shock and ran out. She told me that there were three ferocious monsters outside the window. I went to look and only saw the ferns. She then explained that the monsters were hiding in the ferns! (She said monsters because the spirits do not look like humans but like something you’d see only in movies)

Fortunately, my house has a Lord Buddha to guard it so these monsters could not get in but they were nevertheless disturbing my baby! So, the next day, after getting my ghostbuster friend to get rid of the monsters, we got rid of the ferns. Now I check the walls often to ensure that there are no wild ferns growing there!

7. Pick up amulets and talismans from public places or from unknown strangers

Amulets and talismans are usually used for protection but there are some parties who used these in their dark arts. There are also fake amulets and talismans and spirits often like to hide in these.

My husband used to like collecting talismans wherever he went and then he’d hang it everywhere at home. There were close to a hundred of it! Then when my son was about 9 months old, he started crying around 11pm until 1am every night. Non-stop. It was like he was in pain. We tried everything, from colic medicine to feeding him. Nothing worked. Then someone told us to seek help from a medium as it could be supernatural related.

We sought help from a several mediums and nothing works! Until we met this ‘ghostbuster’ who late became our friend. The problem was solved and it seemed that our whole house was filled with spirits from the talismans my husband took home! This was before we had the Lord Buddha altar at home. We threw away all the talismans and never simply pick it up from unknown sources again.

8. Keep and the eat the food offerings you made for the hungry ghosts or even to Tai Su Yeah (King of Hades)

Many people tend to do this, they’d offer fruits and kuih and then keep it and eat it later.

The logic is simple, I give up you food and then I take it back. Would you like that? So, you want to anger some spirits, do exactly that!

My ghostbuster friend has exorcised quite a few spirits that had possessed those who ate offerings they took back to eat.

9. Go to the concerts and opera shows held during the hungry ghost month and be rude/spit everywhere/ talk about ghosts and scoff that ghosts exists

These shows are literally meant to entertain the wandering spirits so yeah, there will be plenty of unseen audience. It’s the best place for you to scare up a possession!

My husband once got it into his head to take photos of one of those opera shows. After two or three shots, his camera jammed and could not shoot anymore! So he stopped and came home. When he checked the camera, it was ok and could function as normal. When he looked at the pictures, it was blur and out of focus. Camera malfunction or something else? Why don’t you try?

10. Go hiking, pee and defecate wherever you want, spit everywhere also or go to fatal accident scenes and step on the blood

There are often a lot of spirits in the hills and jungles. It’s their home so if you pee/defecate or spit in their home, they won’t be pleased. Years ago, a man went hiking and was lost. Nobody could find him for days that dragged on to a week.

Then one of the searchers found his body just a few feet from the trail. It seemed that he had defecated and angered a spirit. The spirit hid the path so he could not get out and hid him so rescuers couldn’t find him.

As for accident scenes, my husband passed by a horrific accident scene that killed several people a few years ago. Three of the spirits followed him home! We found out from my son because he was restless and crying like when he was disturbed by spirits. Of course the spirits could not enter our home but they stood outside calling to him to help them! I called our ghostbuster friend and they were sent on their way.

She told us that often spirits of accident victims are confused and do not know what to do or where to go so they may just follow a human home in hopes of getting help!

And that concludes my top 10 ways to get in touch wit ghosts and spirits and the sorts. Don’t believe any of these stories? Then try them out!

There are plenty of ways to earn money online but there are also plenty of earn money online scams around, if you know what I mean. You see, almost everyone who has the intention to earn some side income or main income from the internet has this thought that it’s easy, simple and once you got it right, you will become an instant millionaire. Or that you will suddenly be getting thousands a month without doing anything much.

HAH.

If it’s that easy, almost any blogger will be an instant millionaire. And the worst of it is that there are thousands of make money online scams that countless people have fallen for. A lot of people were duped by the convincing sales talk and emails that they willingly part with some money in hopes of becoming an instant millionaire without any hard work.

Well, I have come across many of these scams and honestly, I had fallen for quite a few of them (in the early years when I started finding ways to earn money online)! Luckily I didn’t lose a lot of money, just my pride. How could I have fallen for the sweet sales talk when I knew there are scams abound? Stupid, right? Well, all I can say is that I was too naive to believe all those emails that the scammers sent to me all those years ago. Now, I am not so eager to believe any of these sales talk. If fact, I view every single ‘golden opportunity to earn money online’ with suspicion.

So, how do you differentiate between a scam and a real bona fide earn money online or work at home scheme? Here are some tips to help you differentiate between a scam and a real work at home / earn money online deal.

1. If it is titled as a ‘work at home opportunity’, ALWAYS remember that you DO NOT need to pay to work at home. If they require you to pay $39.90 or something like that to receive a whole package that will launch you on your ‘work at home’ opportunity and help you earn thousands just by ‘filling forms’ or ‘completing surveys’  or with just 15 minutes of online work a day, then it is likely a scam. Nobody should ever need to pay to work at home.

2. Earn $100 daily with just 15 minutes work each day: Again, this is another tempting line to draw you in and then scam you into paying them to earn the $100 daily. Usually they will be selling some ebook or some programme or other and they will promise that once you buy that product, you will be on your way to earning $100 per day or more.

3. A convincing testimony by some guy/ woman who claimed to be earning thousands each week from this secret formula they found and that just a year ago, they were struggling to pay their debts and was living in a squalid rented room. They will use all tactics to convince you that you simply must buy their secret formula ebook / program so that you can become like them too. Like I’ve said countless times before, it is NEVER that easy to earn thousands online. Anyone claiming to be able to do so with hardly any work done and using a secret formula is probably doing it by scamming you into giving them the money!

4. Testimonies by a lot of people claiming to have benefited from a special earn money online program and that the best part is that it is free. All you need to do is to register and they will send the ebook to you immediately. So, this does not involve you paying them so it can’t be a scam right? Wrong. Scammers are smarter now. They know many people are not so easily duped anymore so they devise another way to rope you in. First they send you some basic ebook with very scant information. Then they rope you in by asking you to join their program for only $9.99 per month (or some other amount) and soon you will be earning thousands. See? Nothing is free.

5. Not exactly scams but e-MLM is also another scheme on the rise and there are many out there that you can’t really trust. Some require you to pay hundreds or even thousands to join as a member and promises that once you join they will give you a free website page to recruit other new members and once you get more new members, you will be earning back the hundreds/ thousands you paid to join in a few days’ time. Some of these MLM schemes don’t even have any real products and seem to exist only to get new members. Be very careful. As for those with real products, check it out to make sure these are legit products. Also check the company before joining. If you do join, just know that it is never all that easy to earn commissions for getting new members.

6. Black hat tactics  that will make you rich instantly – black hat tactics are illegal ways to cheat and earn money using ways that Google frowned upon. These may seem fine and fast and a great way to become rich fast but beware. Your websites using these tactics may be banned and your google adsense account may be banned permanently once they caught you. Also, this is not long term. It may work in the beginning but it won’t last.

7. ‘Become a copywriter and earn big bucks fast even if you can’t write’ – this is another scam that will get you to buy their ebook/program to become a ‘copywriter’ and start earning thousands writing copies for people. Like I said earlier, you should not be paying to get work. If you want to earn money online by writing, then check out the paid post sites or even go to freelance sites where real people are looking for freelance writers.

8. Double and triple your affiliate sales with this program – this is another scam to get you to pay them to give you some crappy useless program / ebook that will not double or triple your affiliate sales but will definitely fatten their pockets.

9. Just pay $20 for this ‘Become an instant internet millionaire’ ebook and you get a sales page exactly like this and you will be able to sell this ebook for $20 and the whole sum goes to you – in other words, it means ‘I am scamming people of $20 to become rich so now it’s your turn to do the same’. The worst of this is that the ebook is most likely full of crap and you will find that you can’t get anyone to buy the ebook from your ‘sales page’.

10.  ’This is not a scam. I only want to help you because I know what it’s like.’ – a phrase like that is enough to make me run a mile. Nobody wants to ‘help’ without earning something from you especially if the ‘sales page’ is full of sales talk of how the ebook/ program has made them richer, better, etc.

Okay, some of those scenarios above may even describe real bona fide earn money online sites. So, how do we know if these sites are for real? That’s the hardest part. You will really need to check out the site and see for yourself if what they are offering makes sense. If it’s a program that helps you in your online work but does not promise you millions or thousands, then it is worth checking out. Also, you should do a search and check out what others are saying about the program.

If it’s a membership site, you have to be extra careful because it means you have to pay them a sum each month. Do check out their site first and then do the same thing, check for reviews and other things that other bloggers are saying about them. If you can’t find anything, send them an email asking them about their refund policy, etc. If there’s no immediate reply, be extra careful. Or if the reply is a generic email, be more careful. You want to deal with a real person, not some auto-generated emails. More often than not a lot of these sites offer free tours of the site so do check out the sites to ensure that it is what you are looking for.

Meanwhile, why not just stick to the more trusted ways of earning money online through paid posts, adsense income or even affiliate sales. At least you are not paying someone your hard earned money for no reason.

Okay, so, this is another piece on pregnancy and if you are a male reader, you can hurriedly leave or if you are curious, you can read on. I promise, it is no mushy, lovey, sighing piece on the wonders of pregnancy. Heck, I’m the one calling the baby a parasite, remember? So, don’t expect mushy you-can-throw-up-in-grossness pieces here.

Now, that we get that outta the way. Do you know that when you sport a bloated belly with a growing parasite baby within, people tend to tell you all sorts of stupid taboos and things that you can’t do? Yep, I am darn sick of all that. I am sick of the:

• you are pregnant, don’t bend down too much
• you are pregnant, don’t stand too long
• you are pregnant, don’t go out too much
• you are pregnant, don’t blardy breath or you may burst…or something to that effect…

So, I have come up with a list of things you can do and nobody’s going to say anything about it because, well, these are safe activities for pregnant women. Really.

1. It is a great time to have loads and loads of unprotected sex in various interesting positions to suit the growing belly – (as long as you don’t have complications and the doctor didn’t specifically tell you to abstain, it is safe to have sex) and by this I meant to have sex with your husband / spouse/ official partner. Not some stranger you met at a bar. Think about it. This is the only time you can have sex anytime, anywhere without worrying about finding a condom or getting knocked up. You are already knocked up. You can’t get anymore knocked up than you already are! And if you are thinking about the stupidstition that you should not have sex when pregnant because it can harm the baby or some stupid ridiculous reason, I think you are too stupid to be a parent so why the heck are you having a kid anyway?
2. It is time you clean out your belly button – oh yes, this is the time your belly button pops out, well, sorta, and it’s the best time to clean it out!
3. You can eat your share of junk food (but in moderation) and blame it on cravings. Just don’t go overboard or else it may lead to pregnancy diabetes or high blood pressure.
4. You can go shopping for baby clothes and maternity clothes as often as you like – as long as your purse (or your hubby’s wallet) can afford it.
5. You can stare daggers at the tellers in the bank for not giving you priority when they have a priority lane for the elderly, disabled and pregnant mothers – heck, it’s a privilege why not take advantage of it?
6. You can stare daggers at inconsiderate people who refused to give up their seat to you at public places including in public transports – again, it’s a privilege you better make full use of for now!
7. You can slack off and not do any house chores because darn it, you are carrying several kilograms of baby and water and goodness knows what else around your waist 24/7 for months on end. You deserve the rest from house chores!
8. You can easily obtain MCs from the doctor when you feel even remotely unwell because well, pregnant women needs a lot of rest.
9. It’s a great time to go for some pampering manicure, pedicure and facials to feel good about yourself again considering having a bloated belly and water retention causing swollen feet and hands are rather de-moralising.
10. Finally, you can ‘bully’ your partner to do things for you like running an errand, ironing the clothes, washing the toilet, buying ice cream for you, massaging your aching feet, etc simply because you are the one carrying the heavy burden all these months!

So, you see? There are things that pregnant women can do.

I think at least 90% of the work population hates Mondays and I don’t blame them. After spending weekends lazying at home, not doing anything the boss say, going back to the office being a ‘slave’ is pretty depressing. Heck, I feel like that each time I start work after having two days off.

So, what do you do to dispel the depression that comes with Mondays?  Here are some pick-me-ups you could indulge in:

1. Start laughing hysterically at anything and everything -  they say laughter is the best medicine so why not just laugh it all off? Example:

Someone else: My father just died

You: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Pissed someone else: Hey, I just said, my father DIED. What’s so funny about that?

You: HAHAHAHAHAAHAA…I didn’t say it’s funny, I am just expressing my condolence with some laughter…HAHAHAHA..*urggh..gakkk after being punched by the someone else**

2. Drop by the newsagents and pick up some silly comic books or if you are too cheapskate, pick up some newspapers. Turn to the comics section and read it all.

3. If you bought newspapers, use the remaining pages full of the crappy lousy political one-sided news and ridiculous ads to fold boats, cranes, airplanes, etc. It’s a good time to practice your origami skills. If you didn’t buy any newspapers, then use any pieces of paper in the office.

4. After folding your boats, cranes, airplanes and whatnots, start playing with them. For example, write boldly ‘IDIOT’ on a paper airplane and then aim it at your boss’ room and then let it fly. Remember not to do it in plain sight or else you may lose your job. Then, go to the toilet and place a paper boat in each of the toilet bowl.

5. Hate traffic jams? Easy. Bring your hair dryer with you, park somewhere and walk to the busiest intersection you can find that has some bushes for you to hide in. Then, hide in between the bushes and peek out every once in a while and aim the hair dryer at the drivers. Oh yeah, remember to dress in dark blue clothing and wear a cap.It’ll be fun to look at the faces of the drivers when they spot you.

6. Hate traveling on public transport because of the crowds? Easy. Eat a whole load of durians and onions. Remember not to gargle your mouth. Then burp every few seconds and the crowd will give way almost immediately.

7. What’s the point of working on a desk job with a computer and internet connection if you don’t make full use of it? Just surf the internet, play games on Facebook, watch movie series and remember to be quick to hit the red X when you see the boss walking by.

8. No internet connection? Easy. Upload your arch enemy’s picture, then use Paintbrush to modify it any way you like. Defacing your arch enemy is the greatest mood-uplifter ever.

9. I’m sure you must have received one of those scam emails telling you they are the wife / daughter/ son/ husband of some rich person who died leaving them a fortune but they can’t take the money out so they need your help to deposit the money in your account. Well, reply to that email telling them that you were also left with a huge amount of money but you need their help to take out the money. Then re-send the email like about 100 times. Or more. Then subscribe to thousands of porn sites using their email addresses. It’s a great way to get back at the scammers and have some fun too!

10. Call a random phone number (but NOT the police, fire department or hospital) and started talking to the person who answered the call as if he/ she is your lover. Example:

The other person: Hello?

You: Darling, I miss you so much.

The other person: Who is this?

You: It’s me. Don’t you remember me? How could you do this to me?

The other person: I don’t know you, you got the wrong number.

You: How dare you! After such a wonderful night we had last night…

*CLICK* the other person hung up.

Never mind, you can always call back and bug the other person till they switch off their phone. Just remember to use an encrypted phone number or use the public phone.

Now, of course, if you think the above is just way too much work, you can always do what I initially suggested…fake some illness, take MC and stay home watching crappy programmes on the TV.

Have a great Monday!

Fun activities without the TV

1. fun toys like lego and building blocks – these type of toys seem to occupy him a lot as he will be able to use his creativity to build houses, cars, airplanes, trains, whatever he felt like doing. After creating his masterpieces, he’d usually play with them for at least a few hours.
2. coloring books and storybooks – my son just started learning to color and he loves to draw and color so he could spend at least an hour coloring. After that, he’d take out his storybooks and though he can’t read yet, he’d be ‘reading’ the color pictures and using his imagination to create the stories in the books.
3. fun games – when I’m done with my chores, I’d spend quality time playing fun children’s games with him and that includes running around, playing catch, hide and seek or even the simple tickling game. Nothing is more fun and relaxing than playing with a laughing child.
4. the great outdoors – this is during the mornings or evenings and I’d take him for a nature walk on the hill track near our home. We’d go traipsing on those tracks and I’d let him pick up leaves and sticks to play with. We’d both get some exercise and at the same time enjoy fresh air and be one with nature. Sometimes, we’d go swimming at our apartment pool or I’d let him cycle around our apartment compound. Other times, we’d even bring him to the children’s playground at a recreational park or even go for a picnic at the beach.
5. cooking / baking – when the mood strikes me, I’d get my baking stuff out and get my son to help out. He loves helping me stir the dough and if I’m cooking, he loves helping me peel the garlic. I’d sometimes take out some plastic containers and plastic spoons to let him play with and pretend that he’s also cooking together with me.


6. radio – switching on the radio will fill the silence in your home and at the same time prove to be fun as we’d sometimes dance to the tunes on the radio and have a great big laughing blast!
7. home exercise – I used to exercise at home (such as doing yoga and aerobic training) a lot and my son will often mimic me so now it is almost like a routine that when I get my exercise mat out, he’d get ready to exercise along with me! (however, I’ve not been able to do that much recently since I am too tired in recent times to even lift a finger, much less exercise!)
8. arts and crafts – I have a jewellery making hobby and when I get my stuffs out, my son will often come over and want to help. Since some of my tools are sharp and dangerous to a small child, I’d usually give him some beads and strings and let him ‘create’ jewellery in his own way.
9. house chores – yes, I get my son to help with the house chores as I think it is good for him to learn from young that he needs to help around the house no matter his age or sex. Since he can’t do much now, I usually let him help me fold the laundry, although in the end, I’d have to re-fold the clothes he did. I’d let him feed the fish and also pick up his own toys and put it away.
10. conversation – this is a good time to develop his language and communication skills so I’d ask him questions and get him to talk to me about everything and anything he felt like telling me. This calls for some really strange conversation as a 3-yr-old’s train of thoughts are vastly different from an adult because he’d start talking about his friends in nursery and it’d somehow jump to monsters and then Transformers and then airplanes.

See? There are loads of things to do without depending on the TV for entertainment.  But then, I guess we are all so dependant on TV that it is pretty difficult to go through a day without switching on the TV.

How long can you last without the TV?

1. ask for a divorce

2. pretended it was all okay as long as the spouse do not leave them

3. forgave the cheating spouse and start over in hopes that it won’t happen again

Well, I think that is just way TOO boring a way to deal with cheating spouses. I mean, come on. Your husband broke your trust, crushed your heart, destroyed your family and caused much emotional pain to you and your children because he decided to listen to his tiny brain in his groin. And you are just going to let him get away with it easily?

No way.

REVENGE is always SWEET when it comes to getting even against a cheating husband / boyfriend / partner/ whatever.

I mean. Come on. Just watch the ‘Butterfly on a Wheel’ movie (starring the gorgeous Pierce Brosnan…ahhh..sigh) for some inspiration.

Anyway, I’ve thought about it and if my husband dared to even think of cheating on me, I have come up with a list of things I’d do to get even.

1. Immediately withdraw ALL the money from our joint account and deposit it into my personal account.

2. Go on a shopping spree using the supplementary cards he gave me and max every single one of it out.

3. Use the scissors to destroy all of his favourite, branded, expensive clothes or better still, take it all and donate it to Salvation Army.

4. Slash all four tyres of his car, smash the windscreen and spray the words ‘JERK’ and ‘CHEATER’ on the bonnet, doors, everywhere of the car.

5. ‘Accidentally’ drop his expensive new laptop (or whatever new expensive gadget he thoroughly favored and loved)…..from the 15th floor of a building

6. Take videos of him in the toilet and post it on youtube with the title ‘Cheater at it’ and then forward it to everyone who knows him.

7. Gather evidence of him goofing off from work and then report him to his company with proof such as videos and photographs.

8. Prepare an absolutely wonderful meal just for him and lace it with plenty of laxatives…but before this, make sure the food is served at a picnic spot where the nearest toilet is miles away.

9. Stuff leftover uncooked shrimp shells into his shoes and in a hidden compartment in his car.

10. Finally, before I kick him out of the house, give him a very good, hard kick in the groin, preferably wearing steel-toed boots.

There. Much more fun and therapeutic than asking for a divorce, don’t you think? And although some men do repent after they strayed once and not do it again, we will never know. The trust is broken and it is not something all that easy to forgive and forget.

So, why don’t I switch on the air-cond you ask? Well. Think about it.

The heat and haze is due to global warming. Global warming is caused by what the experts would call greenhouse effects. And in layman’s term, it means, all those bad-for-environment stuffs that we do are causing this unbearable sweaty heat. This means…

1. I switch on air-cond, I contribute to the heat.

2. I throw away plastic bags, I contribute to the heat.

3. I don’t recycle, I contribute to the heat.

4. I don’t practice car-pooling, I contribute to the heat.

5. I do open burning, I contribute to the heat.

6. I commit unforgivable sins, I end up in the fire pit of hell…errr…oops, this is way off topic….

And so on.

That’s why I didn’t switch on the air-cond just because I am hot and sweaty. Besides, it’s very expensive to switch on the air cond. I don’t want to be paying higher electric bill just because of some sweat.

Instead, I could suggest some other less environmentally damaging measures (and cheap too!!) …

1. Be naked at home (but make sure your curtains are in place and you are not flashing your poor neighbours and passerbys..however, if that turns you on, what the heck, you are after all in your own home…)

2. Place a block of ice behind your table fan and let it rip…ahhhhh…that’s what I call home-made cheap air-cond.

3. Fill up a bottle of water and freeze it. Then, wrap it in a thin towel and hug it like a hot water bottle, except that it’s a cold water bottle.

4. Fill a bottle with a spray nozzle with cold water. Then spray it in on your neck and face regularly. Nothing like a wonderful cool spritz of water. (it works better if you are naked…)

5. Jump into your apartment swimming pool for a cool refreshing soak in the water. Whether you skinny dip or dressed in your swimwear is entirely up to you. If your place doesn’t have a swimming pool, easy. Go over to a friend / relative/ friend’s friend place that has one.

6. Go to the shopping mall and sit there. After all, shopping malls are already air conditioned so you are not the one directly contributing to the global warming. You are only there to enjoy what they provide for free.

7. Go to work and stay in the office till late since most offices are also air-conditioned (but you don’t necessarily have to actually work, you could goof off by surfing the net or something).

8. Go to places like Starbucks and McDonalds with your friends. Since your friends will be getting drinks, you don’t even need to get any drinks but ask from a cup of cold water and then sit there and enjoy the company and the air-cond.

9. Stare at this picture long and hard and tell yourself, ‘I feel very, very COLD’ repeatedly.

10.   Have some fun sliding ice cubes on your body or better still, get your spouse / girlfriend / boyfriend to do it for you….but be prepared that it may lead to some..err..extremely ‘sweaty exercise’.

Go try these cool down tips and enjoy yourself…if all else fails, migrate to north pole and move in with Santa Claus (if he exists at all..haha). I am sure it’s still freezing over there and no H1N1 there yet (I think)…

Now, excuse me while I go search for some ice cubes…

Recently I was a long chatting session with a buddy of mine who happened to be single and carefree and we talked about dating. Okay, so, he’s not all that carefree but he is single and available and a bachelor in all sense of the word. (ncb, if you are reading this, I did warn you that I’d blog about it!!! )

Anyway, my friend was asking me for tips and advice on how to get a date with a girl or to be precise, a stranger in the shopping complex. I don’t know about KL, but in Penang, many women are still pretty conservative so having some strange man coming up to them and asking for their number will definitely make them:

a. turn and walk away real fast

b. glare at the offending man and tell him to get lost

c. scream blue murder (or sexual harassment) and start beating the man up with her ten tonne handbag.

Well, that’s what I told him and he despaired that he won’t dare to approach hot pretty girls if they react like what I said. So, after thinking about it, here are some tips for guys to get a date with a girl who is a total stranger:

1. Join some cupid club thingy – they charge a minimum membership fee only and the strangers you meet at their functions are all susceptible to being asked out.

2. If cupid club is not your thingy, join some NGO that is predominantly full of women (I don’t know which one, go find out yourselves lar, haiyo, give tips some more have to give full details meh… ) – the female members are pretty friendly with other new members and if you contribute your time a lot, you may even meet some nice girl during the events and functions and ask her out.

3. If you can’t get into any NGO or too lazy to bother, you will really need to approach girls at malls and some public place – here’s how you approach them. First look at their body language, are they the friendly type or the hostile type? (Wei, I can’t teach you how to read body language, ‘kay? You will need to learn by opening your eyes and OBSERVE!) If friendly type (they are usually the ones who do not have arms crossed on their chest with big huge frowns on their faces), catch her eye and flash her a smile. If she smiles back, then you can approach her and say something general like ‘Hi, are you waiting for someone?’ (just so that you won’t have a jealous boyfriend breaking your neck before you could say excuse me) and then make small conversation.

4. What NOT to do after approaching a girl – DO NOT eyeball her like some lecherous ah pek. Keep your eyes on her face AT ALL TIMES. She may have big huge heaving breasts or legs up to her neck but if you want a piece of action, then keep your eyes off them. And yes, if you stare at any parts of her body except her face for even a few seconds, you can consider her history as she may just walk away. Most women nowadays feel damn offended to be treated like a piece of meat.

5. What to say to her – NO lousy pick-up lines like ‘I think I’ve died because I see an angel before me’ or some other shitty crap like that. PUH-LEZ. Those are just so corny and uggghhh..totally ridiculous. Be intelligent. If you notice her drinking coffee, you can start a discussion about the best coffee in town. If she’s using a certain brand of handphone, talk about the special features of the phone. If not, just ask her what she thinks about the latest blockbuster movie. Most importantly, let her do the talking and you do the listening. What is most important is that you be as natural as possible and ask pertinent, not-too-personal questions like ‘where are you headed after this?’ or ‘I’m going for a cup of tea/coke/ drinks, do you want to join me?’ or ‘the mega sale is starting, are you going anywhere particular to shop? I know there’s this boutique that is offering 70% discount…’ (Everyone knows the way to a girl’s heart is SHOPPING! – okay, not all girls, but most girls)

6. Stay away if she said she is waiting for her boyfriend. She may still be single (as in not married) but you just don’t want the whole mess of some burly muscle-bound hunk turning up and beating the crap outta you. You never know.

7. Don’t ask for her number. Instead, give her your business card with your personal number. This way, if she is interested in you, she will call you. If not, it’s best you move on to next target. No point wasting time because if you do call her, she may not pick up at all. In case if she did give you her number, DO NOT call her more than twice a day. In fact, do not call her every day. Once a week is good enough and keep it to thoughtful, cutesy SMSes throughout the week. e.g. ‘Good morning! How are you today? It’s such a great day today’ or ‘Hi, how’s work today? Mine sucks but never mind, it’s payday!’ or something inane like that. Oh yeah, that doesn’t mean you can send 10 SMSes to her in a day. Keep it to once a day at most or better still, once every other day. You don’t want to end up as a stalker.

8. How to ask her out – no, you don’t do it the first time you see her. The first time is to make a connection, to get to know her. Then once you establish a connection and exchanged numbers, then you keep in contact as a ‘friend’. Do NOT appear desperate. Act cool, as if you are just delighted to have her as a friend. Then after a week or so of your SMSes and one or two telephone conversations, you ask her out. For tea. Yep, tea breaks are so informal and she won’t suspect that it’s a date at all! She may think it’s just hanging out having tea with a friend. Which it is. You use that time to really get to know her and chat with her.

9. During the ‘tea date’ – bring something thoughtful for her. NO, not flowers. It’s not really a date, remember? But if you must, you can bring a stalk of long stemmed red rose tied with a red ribbon. Or else, bring her something else, like a keychain you bought from some country you visited a while back or a fridge magnet from another state or even a coffee mug with her name on it or even a small soft toy keychain. The ‘gift’ have to be unique and yet not so expensive that she may not want to accept. And remember to talk to her and get to know her during the date. If you can get a long quite well with no long uncomfortable silences during the whole time, then it’s safe to say that you can move on to a real date. If you two remain uncomfortably silent throughout, then you better stick to being friends first till you are both more comfortable.

10. Go for the real date – after a few more ‘tea dates’ or even ‘lunch breaks’, then it is time to move on to the real, full blown date in the evening. Now, you really need to pull out the works. Flowers is a must. If you can afford it and happen to know her size, buy her a beautiful black (or any of her favourite colours) cocktail dress (ask the shop assistant to help lar!) and send the dress to her days before the date with a brief note:’I hope you like this. See you on Saturday!’. Bring her to somewhere she has mentioned before or you know she will like. How do you know? Well, all those tea dates are meant for you to ‘dig’ information from her such as her likes, dislikes, favourites, religion, etc, etc.

Still can’t get a girl? Here’s what you should do next:

1. Get rid of all the men in this world so if you are the last man on earth, you will get plenty of girls. All the women in this world, actually.

2. Shave, move to a monastery and become a monk or priest.

3. Pay RM10k for China-mari (or even Vietnamese) brides – beautiful, fair and young.

4. Become gay and act very girlish – girls feel safer with gays so they tend to be friendlier and nice to gays.

5. Go for a sex change and become a lesbian (Eh, Engineer, sounds like your kind of person!! ).

For further tips, email Foong and I shall charge you RM10,000 per professional *ahem* advice.

p.s. the pictures aren’t really related to the post but I just feel like adding some flowers to this post…hhmmm…I wonder why…

SO.

Do you really want to keep your job? Well,after my years of experience and extensive *ahem* knowledge from working life AND watching one after another HK TVB drama series, I know what you can do to keep your job and stay out of unemployment.

Here are the TOP TEN tips on how to keep your job and not be one of those grape-eaters (penganggur), leg shaking, no income, kicked out on their butts because they are dispensable people.

Top ten tips on how to keep your job during an economic downturn

(the TVB way)

1. Be a suck up, apple polisher, footstool, in other words, suck up to your immediate superiors and bosses to the max. They need a cup of coffee, be the first one to make it. They walk near a door, be the first one to open it. They made some business proposal, be the first one to applaud and say it is the best ever you’ve heard. It is their birthday, be the first to buy the most expensive present for them – this is called investment in your job security.They took the afternoon off to go golfing, be the first one to ‘cover up’ for them and if you are available, be the first one to offer to be their caddy.

2. Practice backstabbing to become a pro in in – there’s no other way. In order for you to keep you job, you will need to bring others down first. The more evil the way, the better. Such as leak out top secret information to a rival company and leave a trail of ‘proof’ leading to your rival. Sure to get the person outta the way fast.

3. Use your connections, family or friends or lovers, to the max – in other words, pull strings. Go work in a relative’s company or use your friends’ or even lover’s connection to get into a company. Then work the ‘relation’ to the max so that you get the best treatment only. Always remember to remind fellow colleagues that you are the CEO’s daughter’s best friend or the MD’s son’s girlfriend or the GM’s niece and put on high airs.

4. If a woman, dress sexily and seduce the top bosses – sleeping your way up has never been more in fashion than now. Like they said, if you want to go up and stay there, you must know how to keep ‘em ‘up’ too.This can work for a man too if the bosses are female or erm, gay.

5. If sleeping with the bosses is highly impossible, do the next best thing – be your bosses’ ‘pimp’ or ‘mamasan’. Introduce gorgeous sweet young things to them AND cover-up for them when their wives called to check on them.

6. Learn the art of delegation – actually working hard is a waste of time and energy. Push off all the work to your colleagues AND THEN take all the credit for the work. It’s a win-win situation FOR YOU.

7. Be a big huge kaypohchee (busybody) and sniff out all the secrets of your bosses or even the company – so, if you find any illegal dealings, all you need to do is to keep proofs of that and use it to blackmail your bosses to give you higher post, less work and higher salary.

8. Become indispensable – no, no, no…not by working hard. If you apply technique number 1, 2 and 6, you will find that you company will have less workers and it would seem that you are the only one left who is loyal to the company. To further emphasize on that, send poison pen letters to the company owners on the conduct of the MDs, CEOs, etc, on their illegal, corrupted business dealings. Once they are outta the way, you will be the next best person.

9. Be careful of your own back – since you are into backstabbing, be very careful that you do not get stabbed back in return. So, be extra wary, trust no one and get rid of your rival before they make any move.

10. Finally, if after all these and you still don’t get to keep you job, you can always turn to the black market and start selling confidential business information to rival companies. It is pretty lucrative.

Disclaimer: Foong shall not be responsible for any loss of job after readers practice any of these tips nor shall she be responsible for you being condemned to hell for such dirty tactics.

What? I didn’t say these tips on how to keep your job are legitimate, legal, nice, goody-two-shoes ways wor…After all, it is based on how the characters in TVB series (and some of my more evil colleagues) keep their jobs. Besides, this is not a nicey, goody-two-shoes, girlish, giggly blog.

1. I finally get a chance to go on leave and some public holidays from work BUT it was not to relax at home and do whatever I want.

2. I have to spend the holidays visiting irritating blardy relatives’ homes and pretend to be ‘nice’ to them.

3. I have to paste a fake smile and speak nothing but nice words to whoever who comes to our house including people I do not know, relatives I do not like and strangers-turned-relatives.

4. Annoying kaypohchee stupid relatives will be asking me questions like: ‘When are you having your second one?’ which I do not feel inclined to answer. When I have my second child is NONE of your blardy effing business.

5. I have to give out ang paus to snotty-nosed bratty kids who will mess up my house and bully my son and probably throw food everywhere and stain my furniture, scratch the floor, etc while their annoying parents look on in pride at their ‘geniuses’ in making.

6. I will be subjected to comparison with another DIL /CIL/whatever-IL behind my back and the gossips about my lack of PR-ness with nosy relatives will fly around and being spoken in double innuendos.

7. My son will be subjected to comparison with some other kid around the same age and I will get questioned as to ‘when are you sending him to school?’.

8. I will be stuck at some relative’s house and be blardy effing bored to death with nothing to do AND get questioned over my job, my weight, my birth control plans, my family planning, my sex life…okay so, they don’t ask about my sex life but asking about having a second baby IS tantamount to asking about my sex life!

9. Torture, stress, torture, stress, torture, stress, torture….arrgggghhhhhhhhhh……..

10.  I have to make casual conversation and serve drinks and food to nosy, irritating, annoying people.

SO. Fortunately I won’t be celebrating CNY this year. Because my grandmother passed away recently. And that’s a good enough reason for me to bypass CNY. THANK GAWD for traditions/superstitions like this!

Now, is there any chance for me to spend my long leave just lazying around the house, binging on cookies and developing my online business?

HAH. Fat hope. Double standards are being practised everywhere. If there’s a death in their side of the family, there are a million traditions and superstitions to follow including postponing a wedding for three blardy years. BUT if it’s on my side of the family, questions are asked, eyebrows are raised and clueless relatives will still ask questions like ‘why no red decorations around your house?’.

What a load of crap. Still wonder why I hate, hate, hate, hate, HATE Chinese New Year?