Of course, I never actually used any of it. Heheh…I still need to work, leh. This is what a personal blog is for lah. To vent and release some steam. So, here are a list of the witty comebacks I’ve come up with when up against some biyatch who seemed to think that I should fall over my feet and kiss her feet just because she knew higher position people in my company. I wish I could just kick but I can’t.

Bitch: Oh, so you work in XYZ company? I happen to know your company managing director, you know.( said in a tone that suggests I must fall all over her feet in servitude)

Witty comeback #1: Oh, so you are his sideline bitch? Don’t worry, I’ll keep this a secret and not tell his wife about it.

Witty comeback #2: Now I fully understand the phrase ‘birds of a feather, flock together’ and he is such a bastard too.

Witty comeback #3: So what? Knowing him doesn’t make you my company’s managing director.

Witty comeback #4: And you give him blow jobs regularly too huh? tsk tsk tsk…poor you.

Witty comeback #5: Oh really? *gasps* Does that mean you don’t have to die like everyone else?

Witty comeback #6: Oh wow. What a coincidence. I happen to know him too!

Witty comeback #7: And I’m supposed to be impressed by that?

Witty comeback #8: Oooo….I AM SO impressed. Can I have your autograph?

Witty comeback #9: Oooo…shall I fall over your feet in pure adoration now?

Witty comeback #10: And I happen to know what an airhead you are but that’s not really relevant, is it?

And as for bitches who act all high and mighty as if they are so brilliant and wonderful and perfect and pass negative, nasty comments about you…just say the perfect witty comeback (with a big smile in return):

Well, you don’t have to simmer in silence as you have every right to give it back to them, tenfold! Here is a list of ten witty comebacks to annoying jerks:

Jerk: How about a date, you beautiful thing?

Comeback 1: I’d rather be a nun and get eaten alive by piranhas

Comeback 2: Sure, when’s your funeral?

Comeback 3: Sorry, you deserve someone better than me…after all, you are the King of Jerks

Comeback 4: What? And ruin my image for life? No thanks.

Comeback 5: Sure, let’s make it at 2500 hours on February 30/ April 31 / June 31 / September 31 /November 31 .

Jerk: Women belonged only in the kitchen and at home… (or any other similarly sexist remarks)

Comeback 1: Oh yeah? Men like you belonged in the ‘feed the piranhas’ club…as the food.

Comeback 2: Of course, just like how men should stay in caves and use a club to hunt for food.

Comeback 3: And people wonder why women became lesbians when there are men like you

Comeback 4: Your wish to have a bigger dick must have backfired because I could have sworn you had became one instead!

Comeback 5: Congrats! I think they found a cure for stupidity, no, wait, sorry, I forgot that you are beyond any cure.

I have more of where those came from but be patient, I have to keep it for future blog posts…can’t be posting it all in one go! Whatever am I gonna blog about in future, huh?

Anyway, it is quite frustrating when faced with jerks and idiots like that and at the spur of the moment, you don’t have an appropriate reply to wipe that sneering smirk off his face. So, the ultimate, all-in-one witty comeback you could use without having to remember a list like the one above is:

“Really? I absolutely do agree with you but are you sure your mother didn’t drop you on your head when you were a baby TWICE?”

Well, jerks like this tend to thrive on others’ fall or mistakes and simply loved to rub it in with the much hated snooty ‘I told you so’. So, to all those who wish to b!tch-slap such snooty overbearing jerks, here are some witty comebacks to make them shut up.

Jerk: I told you so, you should not have done that.

Witty Comeback: Oh, really, you did? Since when did the biggest jerk on earth died and made you his successor?

Jerk: I told you that you will become fat from all that binging

Witty Comeback: And I told you that no amount of plastic surgery could help you because you are so ugly you scare even ogres out on a rampage

Jerk: I told you that you will end up like this…

Witty Comeback: I am telling you now that you will end up worse than me since you are very low in the IQ department

Jerk: I told you that you will not succeed…

Witty Comeback: Thank you but I did not intend to succeed in the first place because it was an experiment and I ENJOYED it.

Jerk: I told you so

Witty Comeback: (in a very sarcastic tone) Oh thank you very much. You are my saviour, my hero, my life, my everything NOT.

Jerk: Serves you right for not listening to me

Witty Comeback: But I listened to you. I purposely refused to do as you say because you are such a dimwitted dork and if I had followed what you said, I’d probably ended up worst!

Jerk: I told you so that you should have been more ladylike / masculine like me

Witty Comeback: What and become a total failure dipwad like you?

Jerk: I told you so

Witty Comeback: Thank you. Anything else you want to add?

Jerk: Yeah, you should have listened to me

Witty Comeback: And den?

Jerk: Well, you would not end up like this if you had listened to me

Witty Comeback: And den?

Jerk: I told you…

Witty comeback: And den? And den? And den? And den?

If all methods fail, you can always fall back on the very mundane and absolutely effective,

‘SO WHAT?’

Happy dissing snooty irritating annoying jerks.

It is even worse if there are nosy yee-ma-koo-che and sam-ku-lok-po (aunties) around who’d haunt me no end with their blardy kaypoh questions and doubly LAME comments. WTF!

My personal life is none of your business, so get your big hairy donkey nose out of it!

Fed up with them and their kaypohness, I came up with several rude replies and witty comebacks which had them wrinkling their hairy kaypoh noses or better still, grimacing and turning red in anger before walking off in a huff. It also worked to make them stay away from me in the next gathering!

Q: Wah, you are so big already….I still remember you running around in diapers.

A: I know! You must at least be 100 years old by now judging from all that droopy wrinkles on your face. Ugghh..frankly, I wouldn’t want to live to your age, you look horrible, like a live skeleton with droopy skin.

Q: When are you getting married?

A: I’m not. I am bisexual and I have two partners of different sexes and all three of us just can’t decide who should marry who so we have arranged that all three of us live together and we can take turns having sex with each other on alternate nights. Sometimes we even have threesomes! What do you think, should I marry the guy and keep the girl as a mistress or maintain this wonderfully sexually gratifying agreement? You know, you look so sexually deprived, you and your husband should try out threesomes with a hot 20-year-old. It’d do wonders to your sex life!

Q: When are you having a baby?

A: I can’t. I don’t want the kid to be traumatised when he or she has to meet people like you. Seeing you and being forced to talk to you is the worst case of child abuse ever to subject a poor child to such a fate…

Q: When are you having a second child?

A: When we finally figured out a way to keep your ugly nosy face from intruding in my children’s life.

Q: You have put on weight. What happened?

A: OMG! Look at you! I didn’t know it was even physically possible for someone to become uglier overnight. I feel so sorry for you…I don’t think massive facial reconstruction can even help you.

Q: I heard you are working as a **insert occupation**. How much do they pay you?

A: Enough but if it is a loan you want to ask, I am not giving you a single cent. But if it is just because you want to compare my salary with some other idiot, you are better off comparing how many warts you have with the next nosy witch in this room.

Q: Why are you being so rude? I am your ***insert the proper ‘ranking’ in family*** and you should show me due respect!

A: I am not being rude, I was merely answering your questions truthfully, honestly and straight from my heart. That’s what respect is all about!

There are more but for the life of me, I could not remember most of the irritating, annoying questions which warranted a witty comeback to leave them speechless at times and furious at most.

Feel free to add some questions in the comments here and I will try my bitchy best to prepare a witty comeback for it!

So, to explain my lateness, these are what I came up with:

Often, I have come across the latter more than the former and I can’t stand either of them! A good example is this irritating, annoying auntie (no, no, not really my auntie, I just call her auntie because she acts like one) whom I will call Mandy.

She is in a higher position and have the power to lord it over me (at work only, mind you) so she takes every opportunity to play it to the max. The reason? Probably to feed her own insecurities, I guess.

One of her pet peeves with me is her constant nagging (see, I told you she is like an auntie wat…) about my not answering my handphone whenever she called. After office hours. And my handphone and handphone line is paid for by my own money not the stupid kedekut company. So, I am always tempted to tell her:

Blardy Eff Off Already!
Too bad, since I still need this job, for now, I can’t do that. However, this frustration of having to endure her crap and nagging have given me ample opportunities to come up with witty comebacks to irritating superiors who nagged their subordinates to answer their handphones.

These are what popped into my mind when I am darn pissed off with Auntie Mandy (who is single, by the way) :

1. Why don’t you shove that offending handphone up your crack, you menopausal half-wit?

2. Why should I answer your phone call when I have suffered enough listening to your whiny droning during office hours?

3. Why do you need to call me after office hours? You mean your vibrator died on you or what?

4. Look, I fully understand that you have no life whatsoever but the rest of us, and that includes ME, have a life!

5. WTF is your blardy problem anyway? I only work here, I didn’t sell my blardy soul so leave me alone!

6. I fully understand you are undergoing menopause but that is not my problem so why don’t you Eff Off already?

7. It’s my phone and if I don’t want to answer it, you can’t do anything about it!

8. Oh yeah, well, at least I have a life and you are only full of hot air!

9. And I should answer your call because…..???

10. If you have an emergency, why the fuzk are you calling me? Do I look like a police/ doctor/ gigolo/ psychiatrist to you?

Feel free to use any of this phrases but please, don’t come whining to me if you lose your job. I am not hiring anyone and I don’t care.

It is hypocritical and rude people other than myself! Why? Well, simple. I am the Fat Bitch Queen and I have the right to bitch about everyone and everything else but nobody, simply, nobody else has the right to do the same to me!

Just the other day, some idiot who thinks he’s God’s gift to human kind came up to me and told me that I am fat and I need to lose weight as it is not becoming for a woman.

Well, excuse me, you poor excuse of a man. Which part of my rolls of fat offended you? So what if I am fat? So what if I wear plus size clothes?What is it to you? I have news for you, you imbecile.

I may have rolls of fat around my waist and lower body but you have fat in between your ears.

I admit that I am a fat bitch but you are an ugly moron!

I may not have a slim model figure but you have a paunch much bigger than when I was nine months pregnant.

So, who’s calling the kettle black here, huh? Your girth probably rivaled that of an elephant’s and you dared to point your finger at me? Do remember the next time you feel like walking up to your unsuspecting nieces to tell them that they are fat.

Oh, did I neglect to mention that this louse is an uncle? Yep. Though I am not proud to be related to him and even shared the same surname as him, it is sad that I have such an idiotic lousy excuse of a human being for an uncle.

Also, please, the next time you want to open that hole in your face, please use the little grey matter that’s left in that empty glob of yours. I may be up to being called fat but others are not.

It is none of your blardy business whether a stranger is fat or not. So, shut up and stop harassing women workers you chanced upon by calling them fat! Seriously, you must have some mental problem to be going around doing that and thinking you are doing a service to the community.

And to think, my poor aunt is such a nice woman to have such a jerk for a husband.