Foong Speaks Her Mind

Recently, I engaged in a very pointless debate with a male friend who was dead set against marriage and ‘that offending piece of document tying couples together’. He thinks marriage is over-rated and that two people in love do not need a piece of paper to ‘certify’ that love.

This is how it went:

Commitment-phobic guy: I do not see the point in signing that piece of document. It does not mean anything.

Me: Marriage is more than a piece of paper, I agree, but that piece of paper is also part of marriage and the legal aspect of it.

Commitment-phobic guy: It is nothing but a messy pointless procedure. It does not serve any purpose at all. I think going through the traditional marriage customs is good enough to show that we are married without signing that document.

Me: Going through the traditional customs may show that you are married to your relatives and friends but in the eyes of the law, you are not married. So, children born in your ‘traditional’ marriage will be legally known as bastards. Or to put it nicely, born out of wedlock.

Commitment-phobic guy: That’s not true! We are already married through traditional means. That paper do not mean anything!

Me: Since it does not mean anything, why are you so afraid of signing it?

Commitment-phobic guy: Because it brings a load of problems with it. Say, if the couple wants to split, they have to go through the lengthy divorce process involving lawyers and the court.

Me: So, you are saying that by not signing that document, it means you have the avenue to split anytime and leave your ‘wife’ on the lurch without a care in the world?

Commitment-phobic guy: I won’t do such a thing. I am saying that if we do decide to go separate ways, since we do not know what the future holds, we don’t have to go through a messy divorce. We can just walk away without wasting time in courts or money on lawyers.

Me: So, this means you are already thinking that this relationship or farce of a marriage will eventually fail, thus your reluctance to sign the document.

Commitment-phobic guy: No. You are not listening to me properly. I said, IF we decide to go separate ways not WHEN. That’s a big difference.

Anyway, the debate went on for about 30 minutes with this guy pressing on the point that the marriage certificate is nothing but a piece of document to bring problems to couples.  The sad thing is that he is a good friend’s boyfriend. They have been staying together for years. My friend is ready to settle down but he seemed non-committal.

This guy may sound like an absolute jerk just waiting to walk out on his girl anytime but I later found out the reasons behind his reluctance to ’sign the document’.

My friend, his girlfriend, is a ‘player’. She has hopped from one relationship to another and tends to change her mind about her men regularly. It is only in these last ten years that she has been with only two guys. This guy is the latest ‘catch’ for the last five to six years and she has yet to change her mind. We were all hoping that she’d finally settle down and stop hopping into different relationships.

However, this guy knew her very well. So much so that he knew when she was considering going with another guy just a few months back and managed to somehow salvage their relationship. In a recent outing with a group of friends and one of our friends was relating her bitter divorce experience, he confided in me.

Commitment-phobic guy: It hurts the most when your spouse cheats on you because you are supposed to trust the person closest to you and yet, he cheated on you. (referring to the friend talking about her divorce)

Me: Of course. Just look at her, she is now so haggard and down…Don’t you dare do such things to your spouse in future. (I gave him a warning glare)

Commitment-phobic guy: I will never do such a thing to any human being, much less the person I love.

Then my friend talked about finding out her husband’s affair through his handphone’s itemised billing and saying how stupid that man could be.

Me: (nudged Commitment-phobic guy and jokingly said) Nah…listen to her. Don’t be so stupid to let your future wife catch you having an affair from your handphone itemised billing.

Commitment-phobic guy: I won’t.

Me: Wah…saying you won’t be so easily caught having an affair la?

Commitment-phobic guy: No, I mean I won’t have an affair but I can’t say the same about the other party, though. (and gave a meaningful look in the direction of his girlfriend. I saw a glint of sadness in his eyes then).

So, it then dawned on me that he does want to spend the rest of his life with his girlfriend but he is worried that she would not stick around for long.

Even though she is my friend, I had to admit that I do not blame him. Just a few months ago, she was talking about a new guy in hot pursuit of her. I had thought she would be dumping this Commitment-phobic Guy already but seems like the new guy was dropped and forgotten.

Relationships, whether it is a marriage or dating couple, is made up of more than love and passion. Trust is an integral part of it. If one does not trust the other, how could they live together for years to come? Suspicions, justified or not, in a relationship is not healthy. Couples should be able to trust each other explicitly. There is no point at all, if one of them were to feel so insecure of the relationship as it will slowly erode the whole relationship and leave nothing behind.

I always feel that we should not only marry someone we love and need. We should not only marry someone we can live with. We should marry someone we trust with our lives and we could not live without. Then, there is substance to a relationship that could last forever.

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Divorce rates are on the rise. It is unavoidable. It is a known fact. Many married couples are making divorce lawyers richer while families are being torn apart. I came from a broken home myself, so I know the true effects of this on the children who are the innocent victims of such breakups.

In recent times, I also hear out rantings by friends and even colleagues on their marriage. Some are just mere rantings while others run on more insidious meanings which leads to deep unhappiness and a wish to get out of the unhappy marriage. A few have already taken steps to dissolve the marriage.

So, here are some tips on how not to ruin your marriage if you plan to ‘live happily ever after’ with your other half:

1. Flirt all you want with others but DO NOT do more than that…meaning, no saying ‘i love u’ to those you flirt with, no jumping into bed with those you flirt with and definitely no having sex with people your flirt with.

2. Listen to your partner with your heart, not your cynical brain. Sometimes, your partner may annoy you or nag at you or simply say the stupidest thing ever, still, the meaning behind the words are somehow important, at least to your partner. Just listen to your partner, it does not cost you a darn cent to do this.

3. Give and take when it comes to disagreements - trust me, it is practically pointless to be arguing and fighting over who left the toothpaste cover open or whose turn it is to take out the garbage or who is better at sex. Heck, nobody is right or wrong in these situations so do agree to disagree sometimes. You won’t die if you give in.

4. Forget about pride - if you did something wrong, admit it and apologise.

5. Be understanding - your partner is only human with ups and downs and good / bad moods. So, don’t expect a cheerful, no complaints partner 24/7. You want that, go get a robot.

6. Know that your partner may not 100% like your parents / relatives / siblings - deal with this fact of life. You may not like your partner’s side of the family and so, it is also vice versa. Accept this instead of forcing your partner to like your side of your family.

7. Respect is essential - any relationship is worthless without mutual respect for each other.

8. Don’t play the blame game - in a marriage, it is best not to blame your partner for anything / everything that goes wrong in your life. Your partner is not a scape goat but someone you should be cherishing for life…

9. Do not compare - how many times you have loudly compared your partner with your neighbour’s partner or your friend’s partner or your relative’s partner? Comparing is another pointless exercise because your partner is an individual and you married your partner for that individualism, not because he/she is like your neighbour’s partner, etc..

10. In disagreements / quarrels - try to control your temper and your words. Saying hurtful things will not help matters and it is always better to calm down and talk things through coolly like two mature adults.

And finally, if all else fails, employ this very foolproof, easy, simple, totally free ‘happily ever after’ method right from the start:

Don’t get married!

wahkahkahkahkah…..

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He may no longer be from Umno but he is no less of an idiot for blaming the women for high divorce rates simply because ‘they could not accept polygamy’.

Reported in Malaysiakini:

Old men still wanna have fun, says Ibrahim Ali
May 23, 08 1:26pm

An Independent MP told Parliament that there would be fewer marital problems and a lower divorce rate if Muslim women were taught to accept polygamy.

Ibrahim Ali, member of parliament for Kelantan’s Pasir Mas, proposed moves yesterday to address the issue in response to complaints that women were always blamed for marital issues.

“Such problems happen because women cannot accept polygamy. From a preventive point of view, what about doing a big campaign so that women can accept polygamy?” Ibrahim said.

The lawmaker said women who are pregnant or who have “problems” when they hit their 50s do not understand that men still want to “have fun”.

A former Umno leader, Ibrahim ran under the PAS banner in the March 8 general elections but have opted to be independent.

WTF!!!!!

Polygamy may be sanctioned in Islam but it does not mean Muslim men have full free hands to go searching new girlfriends just because they ‘wanna have fun’ when their wives are indisposed by being inconveniently pregnant or over 50 years old.

If I remember correctly, polygamy means the men must be responsible for all of his wives and treat ALL of them equally. Leaving a pregnant wife to fend for herself while he ‘have fun’ with a new un-pregnant wife is far from being responsible.

What, he thinks women are against polygamy just because they want to create marital problems and divorce?

What a nincompoop.

Doesn’t he know it is because most men DO NOT know how to treat their wives equally. There has been so many cases where the older wives were neglected or abandoned without even child support and left to fend for themselves when their gatal husbands went in search of new younger wives. What about those wives who were physically abused? Is it their fault too?

I think it is Ibrahim Ali who do not understand that marital problems due to polygamy surface because the men do not know how to handle or treat his wives equally.

Heck, you sendiri gatal and want to berfoya-foya, don’t go blaming the wives for trying to stop all the dirty old men from ‘having their fun’.

Ptui! We do not need idiotic MPs like this in Parliament.

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