Foong Speaks Her Mind

No, not that I am ever considering the thought of having sex with my ex when I don’t even know where the hell he is now. And even if I know where he is and is still in contact with him, errr, thanks but no thanks man. We didn’t exactly broke up on good terms, but that’s another whole blog post that I will reserve for another day.

It’s just that I’ve always been curious about some people who don’t mind bedding down with their exes while still on the rebound. It is just so wrong. I mean, why the hell do you break up if you are going to run back to your ex for sex at the next available moment?

And then there’s the other type of sex with ex. As in having sex with your best friend’s ex. That is also another icky situation I’d never get myself into. Even the thought of sex with a friend’s ex is icky. But I ended up doing just the thing. Well, actually, not exactly but something like that.

When I first met my husband, it was at work. Yeah, we had an office romance. Anyway, he also happened to be a friend of one of my best friends. Not a boyfriend, just a friend. So, nothing icky about it. We went out and as love stories go, we later moved in together.

Then, I found out that one of his exes used to be a friend of mine back in secondary school. Penang is really that small. Now, that was like ICK alert but then it is too late. I can’t break up with him just because he used to go out with a friend whom I’ve already lost touched with and have not talked to for close to a decade.

I tried to put it past me but like a child intent on peeling the scabs on his injured knee, I kept thinking about it and kept asking him about her. I wanted to know every detail, like where they went on their dates. What they do on their dates. How long they were together. Why did they break up. Is he still in contact with her. You know, the sort of kaypoh (busybody) questions people don’t normally ask but this is me. Miss Ultra Kaypoh intent on getting even more icky with all these deep, dirty details. Yes, I even asked him if they had sex.

Of course, my husband, being the regular guy that he is merely shrugged and gave short sentence replies to all these kaypoh questions. He relegated it to ‘Uh, don’t know’ or ‘Uh, don’t remember’ or ‘The usual’ (in reply to where they go on dates) and a raised eyebrow teamed with a quizzical look to the sex question.

“Why do you want to know?” he asked in return, obviously becoming wary.

“Saja-lar. I kaypoh mah” (just for fun, I’m a busybody) I replied and tried to act matter-of-factly although I do not, for the life of me, know why I am so insistent in wanting to know.

“Are you sure you won’t use this as a sort of argument weapon against me in future?” he asked even more warily.

I was offended. Deeply offended. Hell, who does he think I am? One of the fools in Barisan Nasional? WTF. My name does not have the initials BN!

“No lar. I am just curious. It’s normal for a girlfriend to find out about all the deep, dirty secrets of her bf’s past before she marries him,” I replied.

“Uh, nope. It’s not normal at all. None of my exes ever asked about my exes,” he replied.

Well, duh. That’s because they are not me, the one you love the most for my individuality (ahem) and uniqueness. Or at least, I hope so. But I said this instead:

“That’s because you are not marrying them but you are marrying me.Come on. I am just curious okay? It’s what I do. I always ask kaypoh questions to everyone, okay?” I was practically begging. And yes, he had already proposed to me, like about six months into the relationship and I had said yes and that’s not the point of this story…

“Uh, I don’t remember,” he said and immediately put on the ‘don’t disturb me, I am busy watching F1/entertainment news/ movie/ whatever crap on Astro just to avoid more uncomfortable questions from nosy gf’ look.

Don’t remember? Er, hello. How many men out there could forget who they shagged or not? That’s like saying men have forgotten how to do the horizontal limbo. Or how to wank off. Or how to dish out tired, stupid, lame one-liners to impress women.

It’s like saying BN has suddenly forgotten all about the use of dirty tricks and despicable methods to remain in power.

Men just do not forget about their sexual conquests. Period.

Anyway, since he put on that ‘do not disturb’ look, I gave him a glare that would’ve killed him on the spot if not for his safety shield of being my bf.

But I did not let the matter rest. A few days later, I tried again.

“Okay, okay. So, we had sex. It was only once or twice, okay? No big deal. Then she moved away and we broke up.” he finally gave in.

Armed with this information, it definitely gave me the icky feeling. Ugghh. I am sleeping with a guy who had slept with a friend from school. And I happen to like the girl as a friend. She is very nice and not in the least bitchy. Again, I could not break up because of this. I was cursing myself for being so kaypoh and now I have to live with this icky thought forever. But life goes on, we got married and I had almost forgotten about this whole thing.

And then thanks to the wonders of online social sites like Friendster (or is it Facebook? Can’t remember) , I met up with her.  And again, not wanting to let it go, I told her I married her ex.  Her reaction?

“Oh really? Who?” she asked.

I told her and expected her to…a) congratulate me and say I got a really good guy there or b) start bitching about him

But surprisingly, her answer was a c.

“Who? I don’t remember having a boyfriend with that name.”

Okay. So maybe she had way too many boyfriends to remember all of them. I told her his full name, described him and even showed her his picture.

“Hmmm…he does look familiar. Oh, I remember now. He’s the one from St Xaviers right?”

Uh huh. Lucky gal. She must have been changing boyfriends all the time to find it so hard to remember one of them. And then came the shocker.

“But he’s not my ex. We were not a couple or anything. We just went out a few times, that’s all.” was her reply.

“Are you sure?” I was flabbergasted and a bit miffed. My wonderful husband surely could not be that forgettable!

“Yeah. We went out for drinks and dinner a few times but there was nothing serious going on,” she said.

Okay. Now who’s lying? TH told me they dated and they had sex for goodness sake and there she is stating that they only went out a few times and were not a couple at all.

I did the next best thing to get to the bottom of this. I confronted my husband. His reply:

“Oh really? She said that? Ahah hah hah…See? I told you I don’t remember. I even got the facts wrong.”

Coward. Taking the easy way out. Ceh. If I hadn’t known better, I’d think they were ‘pakating’ behind my back.

And no, I did not went back to interrogate her. It is one thing to interrogate my own husband but quite another to interrogate an out-of-touch friend over something that had happened more than ten years ago. And some more a personal question like this. What was I supposed to ask her?

“Did you have sex with my husband more than ten years ago?”

Nope. I may be kaypoh number one but I refuse to ask such a horrendously embarrassing and totally weird out question like that.

Till now, I still do not know the truth. Were they a couple or not? Did they have sex or not? I guess I will never know and yes, I am not that bothered about it anymore too.

That’s what I called lost time. I wasted so much time trying to dig out things like this that do not even matter anymore.

Ceh. There’s nothing wrong with sex with ex. I mean sex with a friend’s ex, that is. As long as that friend is out of touch and far away and not a close, BFF type of friend. Or a gay friend (now that’s definitely worse than icky and gross too).

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And one thing only. At least, one thing at a time. Except for thoughts of doing it with twins and having threesomes and orgees and menage a trois.

During his teenage years, he will be hornee as ever and will hump anything in skirts (or pants, whichever his sexual orientation) if given the opportunity, much like a tenacious hornee little puppy.

Then, in his twenties, he is still as hornee but much more restrained and practices some self control and chooses who he wants to sleep with.

When in his thirties, he is much too busy chasing after money to be so preoccupied with sex so he concentrates more on making money.

In his fourties, he already have all the money he wanted, so he moved on to chasing after power or fame.

By his fifties, he is already tired of the power, fame and money game. And suddenly remembered his first obsession, sex. So he became a teenager for the second time again and started going around wanting to hump anything in skirts, especially sweet young things. That’s why there’s this term called ‘dirty old man’.

In his sixties, he is thanking God for Vi agra and is still obsessed with getting it on and having sweet young things draped over his arm.

By his seventies, he gave up everything and concentrated on trying to remember basic stuffs like his name and not peeing in his pants.

Eighties, he is probably six feet underground by then because generally most men do not live till that ripe old age except for a certain few annoying species.

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Just do it!

That’s the title of the book where this couple decided to forgo television and have sex for 101 days straight.

I’ll have to say, it may sound damn great (especially for you horny guys out there) but what is the point of this sexercise? That is, other than selling their book titled “Just Do It: How One Couple Turned Off the TV and Turned On Their Sex Lives for 101 Days (No Excuses!)” by Annie and Doug Brown.

Well, according to this couple, it is a way to jump start and keep the passion in their marriage going after being married for years and years. It seems like they have been letting raising kids, career and the mundane chores of daily life divert the passion of their marriage so they decided to give it a boost, via daily sex. you can read the excerpt here or an interview with the couple on their sex-feat.

There is another couple who wants to ‘do’ it 365 days…it was a gift from the wife to the husband who had turned 40. Again, it is written in a book titled “365 Nights: A Memoir of Intimacy” by Charla Muller and Betsy Thorpe.

Having being married for a number of years now, I fully agree with those two couples that sometimes life do get in the way and the passionate part of the marriage somehow gets sidetracked. Babies, house chores and demanding careers aren’t exactly conducive to a spontaneous romp in the bedroom (or wherever you prefer). The first few years of ‘honeymoon’ have long since settled down to a more comfortable pattern and somehow, sex was no longer the be-all and end-all of the relationship.

So, how do you keep the passion alive amidst the increase in responsibilities and packed schedules?

After browsing through relationship sites and talking with friends (and also some personal experience…I am most definitely NOT celibate!), here are 10 tips to keep the zing in your marriage going and the bedroom hotter than ever. Trust me, your partner will thank you for this!

1. Try out new sexual positions - I am sure, after years of being together, you somehow have settled to a pattern of sexual positions, sorta like a regular style you got into. Well, liven it up with new positions that you have never tried before. Need some ideas? Check out these 7 outrageous sexual positions or find the perfect position here.

2. Talk dirty - it may sound uncouth and a tad too slutty for you women but hey, we are talking about your own husbands here. You don’t have to break out the really uncouth words if you are a straight-laced prim and proper couple. All you need to do is to talk about sex more, about how you like the way he touch you or how you want to tear his clothes off and straddle him there and then. Sometimes, simple suggestions is good enough to get him interested. As for men, women think differently, so use a softer and more romantic approach, such as compliments and how turned on you are by the beautiful dress she wore that day..etc. Need more tips, read it here.

3. Forget the bedroom - Yep. It is much too boring. If you don’t stay with anyone else (i.e. in-laws), wait till the kids are in school and then try it out in the living room, in the kitchen, in the bathroom, heck even in the balcony if you dare!

4. Accessories - No, not talking about sex toys here since it is illegal in Malaysia but if you are in other countries, feel free to get some really great sex accessories (i.e. dildos, handcuffs, edible body paint) and try it all. In Malaysia, you can improvise. Get sexy clothings, you know, crotch-less panties, aromatherapy, massage oils, etc) You can even make your own ‘edible body paint’ by mixing food colouring with whipped cream or simply use chocolate sauce (however, it’s gonna be quite messy so be ready to clean up afterwards!)

5. Have a threesome - just kidding…what I meant was to act out each other’s sexual fantasies. Tell your partner your favourite sexual fantasy and vice versa then take turns to act it out. However, do try to keep it legal and get your partner’s opinions first.

6. Sex is NOT dirty - it is probably a very Asian thing for most people to be more or less inhibited when it comes to sex so try to lose this restrictive inhibitions. It is when you let go completely that you will get to enjoy sex to the max! Heck, why not? That’s your husband / wife you are having sex with.

7. Plan a sex session out carefully - it may sound really crass and un-romantic but for most married couples, especially those with children and busy careers, finding some ‘together’ time could be quite a task. So, it is a good thing to ’schedule’ in a good shag or even a quickie in between busy days.

8. Make out more - as in hold hands, kiss and well, act like lusty teenagers out for their first dates. Hold hands when you go out, even just to the nearest store for some groceries and have stolen moments such as kissing in the kitchen, a passionate embrace in the hall, or just more touching, like lightly brushing your hands over her shoulder/ his cheek. Whatever your partner likes.

9. Have SMS sex - again, it may sound crass and slutty and ‘weird’ but it is a great way to build up anticipation. The way to do it is when you are both at work, find some time to send sexy, naughty text messages to your partner. You don’t have to be crude, just suggestive and naughty messages - however, be careful that you do not accidentally send it to the wrong person!

10. Just do it! - the Browns said it right, just do it and why not try out the 101 days of sex?

Well, what are you waiting for? Go have fun!

To all the prudes and religious fanatics out there, do note that throughout this post I used the words ‘marriage’, husband/ wife and married couples. Although I have nothing against premarital sex (as long as protection is used), I am not actively telling young teenagers to ‘just do it’ and be promiscuous.

In fact, these tips are meant for married couples who have been married for so long that sex was no longer the red-hot passionate fun as it was when they were first married.

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